*Scene fades in to warbling theremin music. Several spheres hang from thread*
Narrator: Somewhere between the Kuiper Belt and Jupiter lies a celestial body that scientists have dubbed an asteroid. It has maintained a safe trajectory around the sun. Unbeknownst to all earthlings, that is no asteroid…
*The shadow of a fishing pole appears in the background, and a flying saucer appears stage left from behind an asteroid and moves toward the camera. Theremin music continues*
Narrator: Inside that ship is a mob of the most lethal assassins the galaxy has ever known. Law enforcement throughout the solar system have been unable to capture these ruthless invaders, these merciless savages who terrorize the known and unknown civilizations of space.
*Space ship prop bumps against the Mars prop on its journey stage left*
Narrator: Who knows where these nightmares will strike next? Who will run from this invading horde?
*Globe is lifted into the screen, moving closer to the camera. Piercing violin chords sound over the theremin*
Narrator: Keep your eyes peeled ladies and gentlemen, because you never know where they’re going to strike… or when.
*Descending notes from the French horns. Screen fades to the top of a backyard grill, where Graff (off-stage) holds out his hand to test the temperature of the grill. Graff is wearing a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt and shorts with sandals*
Graff: Dear? I think we’re about ready for our weekend party.
*Camera shifts stage right to Graff Wife, who opens a sliding glass door in a perfectly pressed sundress and carrying a cake server*
Graff Wife: Okay. Do you think I made enough cake for our guests? I’d sure hate to have your coworkers go hungry.
Graff: (Laughing) Of course I do. Why, if you baked any more cakes or cookies, we’d have to invite the whole neighborhood over so they don’t go to waste.
Graff Wife: *Sets her hands on her hips* Well, if you’re sure, Dear.
*Enter Amburgey and DeVera stage left. Amburgey is wearing blue jeans and an untucked dress shirt with a bucket hat. DeVera wears a band t-shirt and jeans with holes in the knee along with large aviator sunglasses*
Amburgey: *waves* Good afternoon, Graff. I hope we aren’t too early. *He sets a bowl covered in plastic wrap on a table set up a few feet stage left of the grill*
Graff: Never too early. I’m glad you could make it. I’m just about to throw some burgers on the grill. Help yourself to some drinks from the cooler. It’s under the table. *He waves a pair of tongs in the direction of a large red Igloo coolr*
DeVera: Right on. Thanks for inviting us out. It’s not often we all get a weekend off to sit and relax. *She reaches for the cooler. Stage right of the cooler, a small kitten meows*
DeVera; *Reaches to pet the kitten* Oh, you didn’t tell us you had gotten a new kitten. She’s adorable.
Graff: *Looking up from the grill* What kitten? *Notices kitten* That’s… not mine.
Amburgey: It can’t be a stray. It’s wearing a bow tie. Stray cats usually don’t worry about dressing up for formal events.
DeVera: *picking up the kitten* Where did you come from, sweetheart?
DeVera: Oh, aren’t you the cutest kitten I’ve ever seen?
*In the window of the house behind them, two cats are sitting in the window. The kitten makes eye contact with them. All three nod once before the two cats in the window drop out of sight*
*Scene cuts to Amburgey, Graff, Graff Wife, and DeVera sitting around the outside table. Graff Wife sets a basket of hamburger buns wrapped in a dish towel on the table. The others have already begun passing bowls of food around the table. The kitten walks between the legs of the people seated, meowing and attempting to climb up onto the laps of the diners*
Graff: Dear, I think this kitten has adopted us. *picks a piece from his hamburger and offers it to the kitten*
Graff Wife: I don’t think our house is big enough for another cat. We already have two and they hardly get along as it is.
Graff: *Picking up the kitten* But look into her eyes! How can you say no to this adorable little face?
Graff Wife: *Sits down beside Graff* Fine, but only for the night. I still don’t think it’s a stray. Tomorrow you’ll have to go to the Humane Society and turn it over to them so they can find its family.
Graff: I promise I will.
Amburgey: Or not. I’d keep her.
Graff Wife: Don’t give him any ideas. *points at him. Whole group laughs*
Graff: I would never do a thing like that!
*Theremin sounds in the background. All four look around them*
DeVera: What was that?
Amburgey: *Gripping his fork like a knife* It’s probably nothing.
Graff: *Looks directly at camera* Of course not. This isn’t some cheesy B-grade movie. This is real life.
*The two cats from the window poke their heads up and looks stage right. The kitten is also looking in that direction. The camera pans back to the black eyeless cat. The sounds of the dinner conversation become muted and all sound focused on the black cat. Light violin music fades in as the cat makes her way through the house avoiding every obstacle until she reaches a recliner under an open window on the opposite side of the house. She jumps to the top of the recliner. A cat that vaguely resembles Hitler is waiting at the window*
Hitler Cat: Meow (Subtitles appear: You’re late, Helen)
Helen: Meow (Subtitles: Don’t call me that. That’s my slave name. I am Draega the Sightless one)
Hitler Cat: Meow (Subtitles: You’ve heard the sign? Our followers are assembling even as we speak)
Draega the Sightless one: Meow (Subtitles: I purred for giddiness when I heard it)
Hitler Cat: *Nodding* Purr (Subtitles: How could we not? We shall strike tonight. These foolish monkeys will never know what they are up against)
Draega the Sightless One: *Rubs her head against the screen* Meow (Subtitles: Do we have enough of our assassins? We must strike quickly if we are to succeed?)
Hitler Cat: Meow (Subtitles: I am quite confident that we not only have the superior numbers in both basic infantry and specialized units, but that we have superior intellect, planning, battle tactics, and strategy on our side. We will be able to strike with both speed and efficiency in a way that will shock, stun, and otherwise immobilize our opponents soundly. I do not think we have much to worry about.)
Draega the Sightless One: Meow (Subtitles: Scha-weeet!)
*The two cats nod to each other. Draega the Sightless One returns to the other cat at the window overlooking the four diners and their now completed meal*
Draega the Sightless One: Meow (Subtitles: We have the blessing of the general, Sharp on Five Ends. We proceed as planned)
*Sharp on Five Ends nods, and the two watch as Amburgey and DeVera exit stage right. The scene fades to black*
*The scene rises on Graff, who is arranging blankets on a couch. He is wearing Superman pajamas [complete with cape], and is muttering to himself. The kitten with the bow tie watches from stage front*
Graff: Who knew of all nights that this would be the night I get in enough trouble that I’m sleeping on the couch?
*Graff finishes arranging the blankets and flops onto the couch*
Graff: Well, tomorrow’s going to be better, eh, kitten? *Scratches the kitten behind the ears*
*cheap time-lapse effect, wiping clockwise, like that powerpoint effect we all thought was cool when we were in middle school. Graff is asleep. The bow tie kitten is watching from the arm of the couch stage left, by Graff’s head*
Bow Tie Kitten: Hiss (Subtitles: Come, my brothers.)
*Kittens of every color and degree of fluffiness appear stage left and stage right, surrounding the couch and climbing up the arms and back*
Graff: *Stirring and sleep talking* No, Graff Wife, I want to keep this one
Bow Tie Kitten: Purr (Subtitles: This human is blessed. He shall be the first sacrificed to our glorious cause)
*All of the kittens meow. Graff wakes*
Graff: This must be some kind of dream. I didn’t expect a life like this until I retired! *pets nearest kitten. Nearest kitten looks from Graff to Bow Tie Kitten.*
*Bow Tie Kitten nods*
Graff: Now, where did you all come from?
*The camera pans upwards as all of the kittens climb up Graff and begin clawing him. Black shadows cast by kitten cutouts jump and leap onto the shadow of Graff*
*Graff screams, waving his hands in terror*
*Cut to a split second shot of Graff’s hand covered in blood*
*Screeching violins fill the background*
*Split second shot of Graff’s face covered in fake blood. He’s still screaming*
*Cut to a doorway stage left, where Graff Wife appears*
Graff Wife: Honey? What’s going on? Did you have a bad dream?
*Close up of her screaming with her hands over her mouth. The camera pans back to the couch, where a borrowed medical display skeleton is wearing torn remnants of Superman pajamas. Kittens linger on the skeleton and all around the couch and stage front*
Narrator: It seems Graff has met his fate. But could it really have been kittens that sent him to his doom? Stay tuned for The Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space II: That Wasn’t a Hairball.
*Piercing violin music as the scene fades to black*