*Scene fades in on Graff wife, sobbing and sitting in Police Department office. Rosario sits opposite her behind a desk*
Narrator: Where we last left our hero, he had been viciously dismembered by a mob of elite assassins from outer space. No one saw the attackers except for the victim. All Graff Wife found was the remains of her husband, and a collection of kittens.
Rosario: *Leaning on one elbow propped on the desk in front of him* So, let me get this straight. You had banished your husband to the couch for threatening to keep an abandoned kitten,
Graff Wife: *Sobs into a handkerchief and nods* In a bow tie, yes.
Rosario: Then, in the unknown hour of the night, you awoke to screaming. You came out of the room and found…?
Graff Wife: My husband. His skeleton had been picked clean. And there were… kittens. All these kittens *Sobs*
Rosario: *Nodding* Right, here’s where I’m having a problem. Kittens don’t kill people. No matter how many you pile into a room, the most damage they could possibly cause is through static electricity. Probably. Had you and your husband been fighting previous to this night?
Graff Wife: *shakes her head* No, we had the model relationship. High school sweethearts, dated through college, married at a reasonable ceremony by a minister of a faith. We had just paid off a modest student loan and were thinking about starting a family.
Rosario: *tapping his pen on his desk* Look, tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to put out a missing persons call to our officers. We’ll keep our eyes peeled for your husband. In the mean time, you can bring in this skeleton you’ve got hiding in your closet and our forensics guy can take a look for some kind of evidence of kitten mauling.
Graff Wife: *Standing and slamming her palms flat on the desk* The skeleton isn’t in my closet. He’s not gay.
Rosario: That’s what they all say. *Rosario stands and adjusts his tie* Well, we’ll keep in contact *extends hand*
*Graff Wife refuses to shake Rosario’s hand. She stands and marches out of the office.*
*Fred is waiting outside the office door. He’s wearing military-style boots with blue jeans tucked into them. Underneath a red baseball cap can be seen the glint of foil*
Fred: *whispering* I believe you. I’ve got a CB radio I use to listen in on animal control. There have been too many reports of stray cats and people being attacks by strays.
Graff Wife: You believe me? You really believe me?
Fred: *nodding* I do. Meet me at the retro diner that people visit just enough to keep in business tonight. Well, at any rate, you should probably also go to the store and buy up all of the peppermint spray and cat training spray you can get your hands on. At this point, you can’t be too careful.
*Graff Wife watches Fred leave*
*Rosario steps out of his office*
Rosario: Was that guy bothering you?
Graff Wife: No. No, he wasn’t.
Rosario: Good. He’s been coming around here trying to tell us that something from outer space has landed. Can’t tell you how many reports I’ve pretended to write just to get him out of here.
*The camera pans from Graff Wife and Rosario to the doors stage right just as Fred pushes open the doors. The scene washes stage left with the Powerpoint Ripple effect*
*Street lamps illuminate circles along the sidewalk. An un-named victim is walking along, wearing a business suit, red power tie, and leather shoes. He checks his watch. When he looks up from his watch, he sees Adorable Kitten sitting two steps in front of him stage left*
Adorable Kitten: Meow (Subtitle: Your angel of death awaits)
Un-named victim: *Kneeling to pet the kitten* Well, hello there, Precious. What are you doing out here on a night like this?
Adorable Kitten: Meow (Subtitle: Homicide)
Un-named victim: Oh, I know.
Adorable Kitten: *eyes widen* Rroaw? (Subtitle: How do you know?)
*Un-named victim reaches to pick up Adorable Kitten. Adorable Kitten jumps out of his reach and rounds the corner to an alleyway*
Un-named victim: Hey, wait! *He chases after Adorable Kitten*
*The camera follows Un-named Victim around the corner. Over Un-named Victim’s shoulder, Adorable Kitten can be seen in the distance, standing at stage rear of a streetlight’s halo. Only his head and front paws can be scene*
Un-named victim: There you are. I’m going to take you some place safe *He steps toward Adorable Kitten*
Adorable Kitten: Grrr (Subtitle: You came to the wrong neighborhood, son)
*From behind Adorable Kitten, several more kittens step into the circle of light. A cello and bass bow several low, menacing notes*
*Un-named Victim steps back. A hiss stops him from taking a second step. He turns to see a line of cats blocking his way, including Hitler Cat in the middle of the line. He screams*
Hitler Cat: Meow (Subtitles: Proceed)
*Cat arm props with claws extended swipe out from stage left and stage right, batting against Un-named Victim. He falls back, landing on his behind. The camera cuts to Un-named Victim with his arms in front of him as three and four pairs of cat arm props swipe at him. Scene cuts to him laying on his stomach. Kittens climb on him and he continues screaming. Fake blood streaks his face, arms, and back. His suit is covered in slashes.*
*All at once, the mob of kittens stop and clean themselves. Adorable Kitten is two paw lengths from Un-named Victim’s head and licking a paw and wiping it over her face.*
*Un-named Victim stops screaming looks around him as best he can without disturbing the kittens that have climbed on him*
Unnamed Victim: What? Are you serious? Right in the middle of this?
Adorable Kitten: *Pauses mid-lick* Meow. (Subtitle: Silence, mortal!)
*Camera cuts to Adorable Kitten. The edge of a feather toy is barely visible stage left. Adorable Kitten bats at it, and the camera cuts to black right as the strike hits the camera. Un-named Victim screams one more time*
*Scene rises from below. Enter Diner. Camera pans to the door stage right. Graff Wife enters the diner stage left, the bell over the door jingles, and the camera follows behind her shoulder. Fred is seated at the diner bar, staring into a cup of coffee. Graff Wife approaches him and sits next to him, motioning for a drink*
Graff Wife: I’m here
Fred: *Without looking up from his coffee* You know cats were worshipped 3000 years ago? Back in Ancient Egypt they were seen as Gods. At any rate, I don’t think they’ve forgotten that. Might be what’s gotten us in this current predicament.
*The short order cook behind the counter sets a coaster and a tall glass of Red Pop in front of Graff Wife*
Graff Wife: Just keep them coming. *Turns to look at Fred* How sure are you?
Fred: Sure enough that I’ve got three gallons of cat training spray in my pickup and I’ve been littering my neighbors’ houses with catnip for months. At any rate, what are we going to do about exposing the truth on a global scale before we’re all turned into screaming scratching posts?
Graff Wife: What can we even do? I just got dismissed by the police, trying to get on the news won’t help.
Fred: How about the radio? Everyone still trusts the radio.
Graff Wife: Yeah, like that hasn’t failed in the past. Nothing on the radio has ever caused the reaction we’re looking for.
Fred: *Smiles* Then I guess we’re bunkering down until this blows over.
Graff Wife: Becoming a shut-in because of too many cats. Just what I need.
Fred: I mean literally. I’ve got a bunker in an undisclosed location that I’ve been stocking for just such an occasion. You’re welcome to join me, at any rate.
Graff Wife: *Leans away* I don’t think we need to get that drastic yet. I’m just going to go back home, lock the cats out, and hope this blows over.
*Graff Wife gets up, places a few dollars on the counter, then leaves. The camera stays on Fred.
Fred: Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
*After a brief period of time, Fred stands, pays for his coffee, and exits the diner. The camera follows him, panning down to his boots. Outside by his truck sits Sharp on Five Ends, watching him. Fred pauses*
Fred: So, it’s come to this.
*Fred widens his stance, and the camera cuts to between his legs where Sharp on Five Ends can be seen. Cheap Western showdown music comes in on the background, complete with the sound of someone clicking on a stereo. A tumbleweed is pushed through stage right.*
Sharp on Five Ends: Meow (Subtitles: We meet again, Mittens)
Fred: I’ve been waiting for this day for so long.
*Cut to Fred’s left hip, where his hand hovers over a gun holster. His fingers curl and uncurl, releasing a popping sound*
*Cut to Sharp on Five Ends, who leaps from stage left to stage right and exits the screen. Cut to a Fred, who is facing the camera. He draws his weapon and fires very obvious pop caps as the camera pans closer to him.*
*The screen cuts to black. Fred Screams*
*Fred’s red baseball rolls into view. The aluminum foil is torn and cut*
Narrator: Did Fred survive? What is Graff Wife going to do? Can anyone stop Adorable Kitten’s reign of terror? Will we be able to stop this cute invasion? Tune in next time for episode III: One Nation Under Queen FluffyButt