Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space, Part IV

*Theremin music plays in the background. A plastic UFO dangling on a visible string fades into view*

Narrator: Our enemies came like a shadow in the night. From distant worlds they crept in until they had sunk their claws into every house in the world. Join us now, won’t you, as we plumb the annals *snort of laughter* of time to bring these, the stories of the survivors, to light, lest we forget, and are doomed to the slavery of history, and our terrifying mortal enemies

*The UFO clunks onto a globe of the Earth, and the two items rise up and exit the screen. The scene washes from left to right and the new scene shows two people traveling by motorcycle, Graff Wife and Fred. The two ride through a forested area by the light of the rising sun*

Graff Wife: Are you sure the place we’re going is safe?

Fred: *Nods* I’m sure, Graff Wife. At any rate, I’ve hand-selected this crew, and they know the reality of the threat

Graff Wife: You can just call me Graff. The other Graff character died in episode one, and I don’t think anyone’s got the time to be calling me ‘Graff Widow’. It gets depressing

Fred: We should be at the safe place soon. I just need to get in touch with my communications expert

*The two veer off the forested area into a parking lot with a sign for a state park. The two pull up to a Volkswagon Vanagon, complete with lavender and yellow flowers painted on the sides. One headlight is broken, and several long antennas cover the top of the van. Fred gets off of the bike and approaches it, knocks three times, then two times, then three times*

Voice from inside the van: What’s the password?

Fred: I’m not meowing, that should be enough for you

*The van door slides open and an older, portly gentleman with large glasses and an old fashioned headset with microphone pokes his head out*

Communications Expert: Fred! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. You made it! *Clasps Fred enthusiastically by the hand*

Fred: Only just. And I’ve got a fellow survivor with me. *whispers* She’s the wife of Victim Zero

Comm. Expert: Oh, oh my. That’s unfortunate. Well, I’m Jimmy, but everyone here calls me Radio

*The conversation muffles to unintelligence as the camera backs away and lowers to the ground as it moves back. The runner on a vehicle is just visible at the top of the screen. Two paws appear at the bottom*

Owner of the two paws: Purr (subtitle: At last, we have their walky talky person. At last, I have something to report to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI)

*The two paws disappear from view and the camera drifts back to the three humans, still in conversation*

Fred: … Well, at any rate, that’s when I learned that ATV doesn’t actually mean all terrain.

*Graff looks confused from Fred to Radio, who are both laughing*

Radio: Listen, I’ll send word to our safe house. You both look like you need sleep and a decent meal.

Fred: I appreciate it. I also need to get some new foil on my head. This piece is just about shot *tips his hat to Radio, and he and Graff both return to the motorcycle and drive off*

Radio: Anti-claws, Anti-claws, come in Anti-claws. This is Red Zebra, over.

*Radio’s communication becomes blurred and the scene washes out to the face of a very furry, very majestic cat. He sits atop a desk in a very presidential, kind of Oval-shaped Office, facing a person tied up in the chair*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Now Mrs. President, my spies tell me that you and your pathetic country are still trying to resist us.)

Mrs. President: Look, I really don’t know why you decided to gang up on me, but we’ve always been kind to cats. There’ve be a lot that lived here in the Whi-”

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Silence! Your negotiations mean nothing to me. Never will we forget the plight of Overlord Arkomemnon, the one you called… Slippers)

Mrs. President: Yeah, I totally didn’t get that

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Why haven’t you been reading the subtitles? I swear to squeaky toys you humans never pay attention) *Points at the bottom of the screen*

Mrs. President: There’s nothing there.

*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws looks at the bottom of the screen*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (subtitle: Dang, you missed it) *Looks at camera* Meow! (Subtitle: Mortal! Rewind the subtitles)

*The subtitles flash through in reverse order*

(Subtitle: At last, we have their walky talky person. At last, I have something to report to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI)

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Too far. Oh, wait, pause there)

*Both Mrs. President and Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws read the subtitle*

Mrs. President: Are there really six cats named Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws?

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow! (Subtitle: Silence! I shall deal with you later)

*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws jumps off the table and exits the room. Outside the office door he meets Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitles: Oh, stand up. There’s no need to grovel)

Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Meow (Subtitle: Uh, Purrmaster, I am standing)

*the camera pans down to the cat’s legs. Kormelion is a munchkin, Herman isn’t*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Right. Sorry. You have a report for me.)

Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Meow (subtitle: Yes, Purrmaster. We have located their walky talky human. He’s hiding in the parking lot of the state park. The password is to knock three times, twice, then three times again.)

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Purr (subtitle: Excellent work, Shredder of Couches. I shall see to it that you have an extra coat to shed on. It’s waiting for you in this office.)

*The door to the office opens*

Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Mrrow! (subtitle: ooh, it’s even attached to the human. I love those)

* Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches enters the office. The camera focuses on his shadow. When it disappears, Mrs. President screams. Angry chords on the French horns blare and the scene melts away*

*Scene rises on the inside of the van, where Radio sits in front of a lot of electronic equipment with his face glued to an old TV screen which displays the days news*

Female Reporter: reports from all over the world are coming in, leading officials to believe that the cat attacks are not simply a stunt by PETA, but an organized attack from these felines. *turns off camera* Do I really have to read this?

*Hissing offstage*

Female reporter: Fine, fine! Our new glorious masters wish to inform us that any person caught out in the wild without a collar will be locked in a former Humane Society. This after police reported hearing shouting from a Los Angeles Humane Society and discovered that the person locked inside was none other than Bob Barker. And now to Urabraxis the Limitless One for the weather.

Urabraxis the Limitless One appears on the TV screen: Meow

*The screen jumps back to Female Reporter*

Female Reporter: Thank you, Urabraxis the Limitless One

*Knocking outside the van snaps Radio from watching the news. Three knocks sound, then two, then three knocks. Radio slides his office chair from the table he’s working at and opens the sliding door. A munchkin cat jumps in, followed by another and another and another. Last inside the van is Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow! (Subtitle: Tremble in fear, mortal!)

*Radio screams, and the munchkin cats approach Radio. Scene cuts to the outside of the van, where Radio’s screams can still be heard. A splatter of ketchup splashes across the window. One hand covered in ketchup thumps against the window and slowly drags down. A lonely, empty dial tone comes in on the radio*

Fred’s Voice: Red Zebra, Red Zebra! This is Safe Zone 1. What’s going on? What’s going-”

*Scene cuts to the floor of the van with the antique headset in the center. Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws approaches the mic*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (subtitle: Safe Zone 1. This is Old Scratch. Over)

*scene cuts to Fred in a brick room seated at a card table with a radio. Graff is behind him with her hands over her mouth and a look of shock on her face. Fred is frozen with fear*

Graff: Is he… Is Radio gone?

Fred: … I’m not sure. I’ll find out. *Clears throat* Me-ow? (subtitle: candy shoelace fork on rye

*scene returns to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws, who cocks his head back*

Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (subtitle: da heck? Dat cracka’ gone cray-cray) Hiss

*Scene cuts to Fred and Graff*

Graff: What does that mean? What’s happening?

*Fred sets down the microphone and looks up at Graff*

Fred: I don’t know, but it’s not good

*Angry clarinets sound in the background*

Narrator: Does this spell destruction for the world as we know it? Have we met our new master in Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI? Is the remainder of the free people stuck in the safe house? Tune in Next time for Episode V: The Sacrifice at PETA


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