Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space, Part V

*A single note from a kazoo sounds. In a flash the scene rises on a framed picture of Tardar Sauce, AKA Grumpy Cat. The image has been printed from the internet and a 2/3 inch border of white on the top and bottom of the image*

Narrator: Look well on this image. It’s the face of evil; the face of terror that keeps countless people from sleep. Those who have seen this creature can only stare as evil enters their mind through their soul. No, I’m not talking about the image-torn recesses of the internet, but the very real ruler of the world as we know it. Here is the face of our enemy.

*The camera pans to the right, revealing more photos*

Narrator: These are the unspeakable demons that reign terror on the earth and rule with an iron fist, who have subdued mankind under their paws, who have broken the spirit and will of a once proud race.

*A glockenspiel chimes a chromatic run. A woman enters stage right and paces in front of the portraits*

Woman: The news has just been released from NATO. These are the faces of our new leaders. All humans have stepped down from their thrones and presidencies or have been *she shudders* taken care of. As of this moment, the world is run by cats.

*The camera blips to an audience, who gasp in unison. One person raises his hand*

One Person: Tamayo, isn’t this a bit of a jump from the last episode? I mean, we jump from one president being interrogated to the entire world being taken over. Doesn’t that seem a little quick for a species that takes several naps a day?

Tamayo: Don’t worry too much. If this ever airs, it’ll be on some late night cartoon channel. No one’s looking for continuity. The demographic is probably either stoned or drunk

*More murmuring, including phrases like ‘that makes sense’ and ‘could be worse’ and ‘at least we won’t be on FOX’ ‘I still miss Firefly’*

Tamayo: If I could direct your attention back up here…

*All conversation stops*

Tamayo: This is the target we need to be focusing on *She taps the photo of Eyebrows Cat with a pointer, complete with pointing hand at the tip. The portrait falls off the wall* He goes by the name of Sam. To all cats he is known as Vizzerdrix Six Claws. He’s currently the Master of Ameristralia.

Voice in the audience, played by Emma Stone: Ameristralia? Are you serious?

Tamayo: Cats control the internet, what do you expect? The two nations practically keep themselves under submission

Narrator: She’s right, you know

Tamayo: *Glares at the camera* Anyway, supposedly the plan was for Sam to control North America, but when he arrived with his army to Canada, they were met with the whole of the Canadian, who promptly apologized. So, he was given Australia, and the nation of Ameristralia was born

*The camera jumps from Tamayo to the assembled crowd* The assembled crowd: oooOOOOoooh.

*When the camera returns to Tamayo, the picture of Vizzerdrix Six Claws has been returned to the wall*

Tamayo: We’re going to take him down. This safehouse isn’t safe for anyone until we can stand freely on the streets without the secret police climbing our legs. *Patriotic music fades in. Lots of trumpets* Until we can go to the supermarket without spies scratching up our furniture looking for concealed items, until we can sleep at night without feeling their slit pupils on us watching our every move, until we can open a door without having to wait ten minutes for our masters to decide whether or not they want to actually go outside. *An Ameristralian flag fades into the background* We will not rest, mostly because they keep clawing and biting our toes, but also because the fire of our spirit pushes us onward. Onward… to victory!!!!!

*The assembled crowd rises to their feet. Some have tears in their eyes, others are saluting and cheering. A random graduation cap is tossed into the air*

Everyone together: For Ameristralia!!!

Emma Stone: Wait, don’t we want America back? Why keep it as Ameristralia?

DeVera: And give Hugh Jackman back? No way! *She slaps Emma Stone* Now go to a corner and think about what you’ve done *Emma Stone obeys*

*The crowd breaks into small groups of excited banter. Tamayo and DeVera pick their way through the crowd, looking for someone. DeVera points to someone in the far corner. The camera sweeps to Graff, who is watching the crowd from the corner with her arms crossed*

Tamayo: Graff, I’m glad we found you. We need your help with this mission

Graff: What mission? You haven’t really explained anything to them

Tamayo: Well, budget constraints. *shrugs* We blew it all on the fanfare and flag background.

Graff: *Raises an eyebrow* And getting Emma Stone here didn’t cost that much?

Tamayo: *Confused* I thought you brought her.

*Both shrug*

Tamayo: Anyway, back to the mission. We’ve found that one of Sam’s three generals is nearby on a public tour of his reign. Licking random earlobes and allowing his subjects to admire his squish beans, that sort of thing. We’re going to catnap him and see if we can get the rest of the information we need.

Graff: *Crosses her arms over her chest* And you need me because…?

Tamayo: Draega the Sightless One used to be your pet. She answers to this general.

Graff: *raises a hand to cover her mouth* you don’t mean?

Tamayo: *nods* We do. We’re going after…

*The camera zooms in on Tamayo until her face fills the screen, she looks right at the camera*

Tamayo:… Kitler!

*The camera stays on her for a little bit more than an awkward second. Then, a cat logo spins and grows to almost fill the screen, then spins and shrinks, moving the scene to Vizzerdrix Six Claws. He sits on a raised platform and looks down at his three generals: Kitler, Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien, and The Unspeakable One.

Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Mrrow. (Subtitle: We have much work ahead of us. We may have won without a real war, but the real battle is ahead of us)

Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: Purr (Subtitle: I love synonyms)

Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Mrrr (subtitle: Focus! For the love of wet food, you’re like a human with a cell phone)

Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: *Hangs head* (Subtitle: Sorry, My lord)

Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Meow! (Subtitle: Now, Kitler. Step forward)

*Kitler steps onto the platform and licks Vizzerdrix on the head*

Off-stage Whisper: Snowball! Snowball, No! *whispered bleep noise*

Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Purr (Subtitle: Y-your affection and loyalty are noted. Your mission *From stage right can barely seen a set of hands that move Kitler a little from Vizzerdrix Six Claw* is to stage an attack on the safe house outside of Chicago.)

*Kitler yawns* (Subtitle: It will be done)

Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Meow (subtitle: Assemble your men. Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien, The Unspeakable One, come with me pursue our perfect plans of proliferation)

Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: Mrrow! (Subtitle: He must made an alliteration! I love those.)

*A cat logo spins and grows to almost fill the screen, then spins and shrinks, moving the scene to Graff, who is watching out at the night sky from her room. DeVera enters*

DeVera: You ready to go? We’re all waiting by the armory.

Graff: *sighs* yeah. Let me just change.

*The camera shifts to DeVera, who raises an arm to cover her eyes from a bright flash. Graff levitates in the air a few inches, spinning in place, completing a full Sailor Moon transformation from jeans and a t-shirt to a military uniform complete with a ridiculous amount of ribbons and medals*

DeVera: I can’t wait until I’m a protagonist.

*An alarm sounds in the background*

Electronic woman’s voice overhead: Warning! Warning! Feline general has breached the perimeter. Kitler has been spotted along with twenty kitten assassins. They’re Siamese!

*Camera shifts to between the two women facing the door outside Graff’s room, where a stream of armed soldiers are racing past the open doorway. DeVera and Graff join in. The group lines up behind a small stone wall. Everyone opens fire*

*Camera focuses on Kitler. There’s automatic gunfire noises in the background, but nothing else. Kittens surround him. He looks behind him on one side, then the other*


*The rest of the group joins in the rally. Everyone is firing assault rifles. One even has a bazooka*

*Camera returns to Kitler, who is running towards the camera. Gunfire still booms overhead, but none of it shows up on screen. Kitler reaches the camera and boops the lens*

Female Camera operator: *whispering* OMG, you’re so cute I’m going to die *the camera operator’s fingers enter upper stage left and scratch Kitler behind the ears. Kitler purrs*

Director: *Also whispering* Don’t pet Kitler! He’s the enemy *A hand enters stage right and shoos Kitler back into the battle*

DeVera: This isn’t working. *She drops her coat and jumps the small stone wall. On each hip in holsters are spray bottles of catnip. Holding each one on its side in the internationally recognized symbol of the gangsta kill-shot (Scene pauses with an asterisk showing the recognized symbol), DeVera proceeds to spray all feline-kind who stand before her, screaming and roaring with the fervor and warrior spirit of her ancestors)

Graff: *softly at first* It’s working. *Now louder* It’s working!

*Slow motion scene focused on DeVera moving from stage right to stage left with gunfire overlaid with each spray from the bottles*

*Camera moves to slow motion of the kittens tumbling and rolling on the ground as the effects of the catnip spray take hold*

Kitler *Very fake cat meow* (Subtitle: NOO! My warriors, we must move forward!)

*The catnip slowly begins affecting Kitler. His paw steps falter, then he rolls onto his back, batting at the sky. Graff runs out from behind the wall with a cardboard box and scoops Kitler into it*

Graff: WE’VE WON! *She holds the box above her head. Faint, stoned growling can be heard from within the box. The soldiers behind the wall cheer*

Narrator: Is this the victory they’ve been looking for? Does humanity have a handhold on regaining their home? These questions, and more, will be asked and might even be answered in the exciting next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: I Know Who Spayed Me


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