Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space VI: The Interrogation of Kitler
Narrator: Welcome. Our story tonight takes us deep in the cells of the Resistance. This hideaway holds the remaining forces of humanity against an enemy that has conquered their world completely. The band that calls this place home, however, may have found the key turning the tides against their foe.
*The sounds of a string bass fill the blank screen. Then the opening chords of “Toxic” by Britney Spears blasts over the bass. A sound operator swears and the music cuts off. The camera pans down from the wire of a light fixture hanging from the ceiling. A single light bulb illuminates a square table. On one side sits Kitler, who yawns and looks around the room. Ropes are tied loosely around his torso and front legs. The top loop of the rope falls when Kitler sets his front paws on the table.*
DeVera: *her face appears just at the edge of the light on the other side of the table. She tosses a folder on the table* we’ve been trying to find you for awhile. Not all that easy. Which is funny, considering you’ve literally plastered your face all over the portion of Ameristralia that Sam’s put you in charge of.
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: Fool. You may have captured me, but you’ll never get any information out of me. I am an iron vault!)
DeVera: A vault you may be, but we’ve got ways of making you talk
Kitler: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Wait, what? How do you speak so easily with me?)
DeVera: *Looking at camera* I speak cat
* discordant organ notes play and the camera zooms in and out rapidly in time with the organ.*
DeVera: Now, you can give us the information we need and you’ll get to luxuriate in a comfy little pet carrier until this whole thing blows over, or…” *She sets a spray bottle on the table.* we can see what happens when I pull this trigger.
Kitler: growl (subtitle: You wouldn’t dare use training spray on me. I’m an Ameristralian overlord by right and by appointment. YOU may release me now and Elkanah the Merciless may have mercy on you)
DeVera: Well, that’s the first bit of information we need. We’d been calling him Sam this whole time. It says so on his adoption paperwork
Kitler: *looking away from DeVera* mrrow (Subtitle: You may have tricked me once, but I’ll never reveal further. Do you hear me?)
DeVera: *stands* Loud and clear *She stands up and walks out of the light*
*The camera shifts to the large one way window outside of the room. Kitler can be seen inside the room, looking around and meowing occasionally.*
*The scene changes to the lower half of a man’s face in profile facing stage right*
Unknown man: He’s tough.
*Scene switches to DeVera, in profile, facing stage left*
DeVera: That’s why we took the risk of locating you.
Unknown man: You made the right decision
DeVera: Are we going to do the whole good cop/ bad cop routine?
*Scene shifts to man’s lower face in profile, which shakes in disagreement*
Unknown man: No, that will only waste time. Allow me to speak with him. You’ll get the answers you need.
*Scene changes to the room, behind Kitler. In the halo of light a form emerges, still unrecognizable from the shadow across his face.
Unknown man: Well, well, well. We meet again
*Paper mache mock up of Kitler turns to face the camera with a shocked expression*
Unknown man: I see you recognize me. Glad we can get that out of the way.
Kitler: Growling (Subtitle: Of course I remember you. I thought you had been disposed of already.)
Unknown man: I guess you could say I have nine lives.
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: No. No, you don’t)
Unknown man: Well, as much as I love small talk. I’ve got to get some info from you. Where’s Elkanah?
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: I’ll say nothing. Nothing!)
Unknown man: Nope. You’re going to tell me where he’s at, along with Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstein and The Unspeakable One. You’ll tell me their weaknesses, their plans, heck, I think you’ll even tell me their favorite flavor of wet food.
Kitler: Meow (subtitle: It’s salmon. I hate salmon, but they just -)
Unknown man: That’s the second bit of info. Thank you. You’re a wonderful traitor to your country.
Kitler: *jumping onto the table* Meow! (Subtitle: I am no traitor to my land, you disgusting hairless non-cat!)
Unknown man: You aren’t? Well, then why don’t we just make you one of us, then? You’re certainly doing wonders for our cause. *The man leans forward, resting his arms on the table. His face is still covered in shadow*
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: Do your worst. You can’t take anything from me anymore. Not since I’ll never be able to see her again)
Unknown man: Her?
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: sigh, you’ve won. I have a lasting affection for The Unspeakable One. She is the cardboard box of comfort that draws me in. She’s the hair tie of love that I chase. Yet she is also the ever elusive red dot in my lives.)
Unknown man: *Wipes a tear from his eye* Wow. I didn’t know about this. Tell you what. We plan on capturing her. You know, part of that whole taking back our planet thing. You cooperate, we’ll see to it that you and she can possibly… get a cell next to each other?
Kitler: Purr (Subtitle: Can you do that?)
*Unknown man nods*
Kitler: Mrrow *A hand can be seen just stage left, scratching near the base of Kitler’s tail, causing multiple meows* (Subtitle: Elkanah’s fortress is in the Petco at the mall. His throne is the cash register. Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstien dwells in the tall building of the former PETA offices. He has Cartner, Fontenot, and Torres taken captive. He keeps them around for entertainment. The Unspeakable One lives in the former White House. She most often spends her time on the President’s throne)
Unknown man: The president doesn’t have a throne
Kitler: Purr (Subtitle: Laughter. Right. The biggest chair in the building, then. The one with a scepter covered in eagles)
*The unknown man stands from his chair*
Kitler: Mrrow? (Subtitle: You’ll keep your end of the deal? I’ve given you everything you wanted)
*The unknown man nods*
*DeVera is waiting in front of the two way mirror. Kitler is laying on the table licking a paw*
DeVera: You’ve got some magic in you. And some nerve. We might not be able to fulfill our end of the bargain.
Unknown man: Don’t worry, we’ll be true to our word. We just need to succeed in capturing the other two generals before we worry about that.
DeVera: Thank you, Amburgey.
*The scene shifts to illuminate the unknown man’s face, revealing him as Amburgey from episode one. He bears three clawed scars across one eye.*
DeVera: I thought I’d never see you again. *reaches for his hands*
Amburgey: *Pulling away* Don’t. We can’t do this.
DeVera: Why not?
Amburgey: Because we aren’t the main characters. This only happens in Peter Jackson movies, and we just couldn’t afford him.
*DeVera nods, then takes a step back*
Amburgey: It’ll happen, though. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. When we don’t have to bow to these oppressors.
*Amburgey turns and walks down the hall, becoming hidden by the shadows outside a string of lights, then illuminated by each light in succession*
Narrator: Are the stars finally aligning for our heroes? What the heck was that at the end of the episode? I don’t remember that in the book! See what other travesties are committed in the name of driving our ratings up in the next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: Second Planet on the Right and Straight on ‘Til Morning.