Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space, Part VII

Narrator: Our story continues, even though tonight won’t really look like it –

Cameraman: Carl!

Narrator: *Still in narrator voice* It’s true. *Coughs* Anyway, back on the ranch, the heroes are getting ready to launch a mission in the name of survival, resistance, and love.

*A still of Kitler passes across the screen from stage left, simultaneously with an image of The Unspeakable One from stage right*

Narrator: No one knows the danger that awaits them. No one knows who may not walk back to the safe house with them. No one knows, yet each of them is gambling with their life that it won’t be them.

*Scene rises from black to a line of boots trudging through the rain. Graff, DeVera, Amburgey, and Tamayo walk single file through an abandoned town en route to the former US White House. Abandoned cars, bicycles, and a unicycle are strewn across the road.*

Graff: Are we really going through all this trouble just to capture The Unspeakable One for Kitler?

Amburgey: That’s the plan. We planned on capturing her anyways. Not a big deal to get it out of the way now.

Graff: Actually, it’s a pretty big deal. Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstien and Sam are back in Colorado. And instead of getting them with a three hour road trip, we instead stole four different vehicles, broke into a half dozen gas stations, and cleaned out a Russell Stover’s to get to DC.

DeVera: *Holds a hand out to stop the group* Guys. Did you hear that?

*Everyone looks around them. A fake cricket chirps in the background*

DeVera: There’s a person nearby. A human.

Graff: How can you tell?

DeVera: Can’t you hear the snoring?

*Fake snoring comes in, and everyone in the group turns to face a store front that doesn’t have the glass shattered. Laying in a display recliner is a man with about a two week beard covering his face. His security officer’s uniform has stains under the armpits. The only thing that looks clean and regularly used is the pistol at his hip. Smashed cans and empty chip bags are scattered around the store display. The snoring grows louder as they approach the store front. An unknown sound from inside the store has the group jumping for cover in an old van on cinder blocks*

*The snoring man stirs, but doesn’t remove the faded baseball hat from across his eyes.*

*DeVera points at the foot of the recliner, where a small grey shape is moving*

Graff: *whispering loudly* It’s an assassin. We need to go save him!

DeVera: *shakes her head* That’ll only make us targets as well. Who knows how many others there are that we aren’t seeing. He’s a goner.

*The camera pans up from the group to the scene in the store front, where a kitten can clearly be seen making its way onto the recliner*

*A faked female gasp comes from off-camera as the kitten climbs onto the sleeping man. The man only wakes then the kitten has its paws around the man’s neck*

Grey kitten: Mrrow. (Subtitle: There is no Fluffy. There is only Zuul, the Banisher. Prepare for your banishing

Security officer: Huh, the internet’s right. This is awkward.

*The scene shifts to face the group, who all wince. The Wilhelm scream can be heard.*

*The camera cuts back to the base of the recliner with the handle. The man’s arm falls into scene from stage top. Chocolate syrup drips down the arm*

DeVera: Did he say Zuul the Banisher?

*Everyone looks at Amburgey*

Amburgey: I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention

DeVera: How could you not be paying attention? This is important.

Amburgey: The dude had an empty box of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. I was counting to see if he had any left!

Graff: Seriously? You were trying to steal Mountain Dew Pitch Black from him?

Amburgey: Yes! That stuff’s ambrosia. The nectar of the gods. And he’s dead, it’s not like he was going to drink it.

Tamayo: You’re saying the name of the soda a lot. Are we getting paid for this product placement?

*All four look at the camera. Their shoulders visibly slump*

DeVera: Well, listen this time. *She smacks Amburgey’s arm* Maybe he’ll say it again.

Zuul the Banisher: Mrowrowrow! (Subtitle: I, Zuul the Banisher, have claimed another victory for our glorious feline empire. All shall fear Zuul the Banisher!)

Amburgey: That was convenient.

DeVera: *whispering* Zuul the Banisher works alone. He insists on it. I didn’t think he operated in Ameristralia.

Graff: If we capture him, we can use him to get to The Unspeakable One.

*Graff pulls a laser pointer from a pouch made of Duct tape from a duty belt. Scene cuts to the triumphant Zuul the Banisher. A red dot appears on the man’s chest.

Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What’s this? Another victim for Zuul?) *He pounces on it, only to have the dot move further down the recliner* Meow! (Subtitle: Die, infidel!)

*Zuul chases the red dot off of the recliner and to the front door, which has a very conveniently placed hole right at his level.*

Graff: *Hissing* Get a box ready.

*DeVera pulls a flattened cardboard box from her backpack and shuffles it into shape. She clumsily rolls to the front of the vehicle, trying to make it look tactical and stuff. When Zuul the Banisher comes just in front of the vehicle, DeVera leaps out and captures the kitten in the box*

Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What’s this? A trap? No, this is a box. I’m safe!)

*Amburgey performs a roll and lands on his knees with his hands in karate chop position. He takes a flat piece of cardboard and slides it under the box containing Zuul the Banisher*

Zuul the Banisher: Purr (Subtitle: This is actually pretty comfortable)

Amburgey: *clears his throat* meow? (Subtitle: Take me to your leader)

Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What?)

Amburgey: Mrow (Subtitle: Take me to your leader, please)

Zuul the Banisher: Purr (Subtitle: Two blocks over. There’s window open on the first floor. The password is Fancy Feast)

Tamayo: You speak cat?

Amburgey: *Shrugging* I was studying abroad. Picked up a little in France. We’re going two blocks west. Open window on the first floor. *He motions in the right direction with his chin*

*Scene enters a montage of the four of them making their way through the deserted streets. They narrowly avoid being spotted by guard Siamese cats. DeVera nearly drops the box containing Zuul the Banisher. The montage ends as the four of them tumble and roll with Tamayo performing a cartwheel, under the open window of the former US White House. *

Graff: We made it. We’re that much closer to catching The Unspeakable One. *She looks at each person in the group* Are you ready?

Amburgey: *Raises a hand* Can we go back through that montage and get the Mountain Dew Pitch Black?

Narrator: Will our heroes succeed? Was Zuul the Banisher giving them the right information? What’s waiting for them on the other side? Is Mountain Dew Pitch Black really that tasty?

Find out on the next episode of The Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: It’s still a cat, right?


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