Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space VIII: The Unspoken Words of the Unspeakable One
*Scene fades in on the narrator, standing behind Amburgey, Graff, DeVera, and Tamayo as they crouch under a window. He is just stage left of the window, and the shadow of a cat can be seen inside. Nothing else is visible in the window*
Narrator: The group you see before you is none other than humanity’s one hope of surviving an insidious enemy that has taken over and enslaved the world. Their top secret mission at this time is to –
*Tamayo, at the lead of the group, turns her head around to speak to the narrator*
Tamayo: Could you do that a little quieter? We’re trying to infiltrate the former White House and capture a feline general. If we blow it then all hope is lost.
Narrator: *Throwing his hands up in defeat* There goes my plot exposition.
Tamayo: Not all of it. Just whisper, okay?
*Narrator leans in towards the camera*
Narrator: *whispering* Here we see a survivor group in their natural habitat. Not the crouched position. While hunting, survivors keep their profile low so as not to disturb their prey. Let’s watch as they… Okay, they’ve spotted a target. So far, he looks completely unaware of-
Graff: Are you narrating this like a nature documentary? Seriously?
Narrator: Look how the female survivor approaches another potential hunter in an aggressive stance. She means business. Who knows how the confrontation is going to play out.
Graff: *points a decently painted Nerf gun at the narrator’s chest* If you keep this up I’ll show you a new meaning to the word ‘aggressive’
Narrator: The other survivor backs away from the display of fortitude from the female. Wise move on his part. *Narrator steps backwards out of the screen stage left.*
Graff: Good *she turns and rejoins the group* Amburgey, you’re sure this is the best way in, right?
Amburgey: *Nodding* That’s what Kitler said.
*Amburgey shifts to the front of the group just under the window. He holds an open box in his hands*
Amburgey: Meow (Subtitle: Salutations, fellow feline!)
*The cat at the window turns to face toward the camera*
Cat: Meow (Subtitle: Oy, mate, what’s the password?)
Amburgey: *Clearing his throat* Meow? (Subtitle: Fancy nose)
*The cat’s ears perk up*
Cat: Mrrow? (Subtitle: What’s that, then?)
Amburgey: *swears under his breath* Meow? (Subtitle: I mean, Fancy Feast)
Cat: *Standing up from his basket* Right, then, you’re clear. For a second, there, I thought you was one of them humans. We got told about –
*Amburgey springs up from under the window and in one motion seals both the cat and his basket. The cat yowls in muffled anger. The subtitles come on with synchronized bleeps. The cat swipes at Amburgey through breathing holes cut into the box*
Tamayo: *Whispering loudly* Alright, people, move it, move it, move it
*All four in the group hop through the window. Amburgey carefully sets the box down before going through. Graff is last, performing a quick scan with her Nerf rifle before entering*
*Camera cuts to the inside of an office building. Litter boxes cover the large table in the middle of the room*
DeVera: Where are we?
Tamayo: According to our blueprint, this is the cabinet office.
DeVera: How come there aren’t any cabinets in here?
*Tamayo gives DeVera ‘a look’*
Tamayo: Anyways, the place we’re looking for is just down this hall.
*The camera pans to the right. The furniture has been shredded anywhere there’s fabric. Random pieces of string, yarn, and one gentleman’s tie dangle from every available surface*
Tamayo: Good heavens. *She looks across the hall* This place is completely different.
Graff: *pushes to the front of the line* That’s nice, but if we wait, there’s a pretty good chance we’ll get caught.
*Graff leads the line down the hallway, scanning the entire time with her Nerf rifle. DeVera takes the rear with a spray bottle of catnip in each hand. The camera pauses with her in the middle. The spray bottles are cocked horizontal to the ground in “The Official Gangsta Pose©”, with the words splashed across the screen with a ‘ding’ sound effect. After a brief pause for the audience to read the “The Official Gangsta Pose©” message, the scene resumes motion.*
*Scene cuts to Graff and Tamayo at the front of the group. Tamayo taps Graff on the shoulder and motions to the door on Graff’s right. Graff nods. Ominous bassoon music fades in. Graff stacks against the door jamb and listens in. Faint meowing can be heard. Graff gives a thumb’s up to the rest of the group. Amburgey unfolds another box without making a sound*
*Scene cuts to a close up of the door handle. Graff’s gloved hand rises from the bottom of the screen and grips the handle. Her exhale can be heard off screen. Her hand trembles. Then she pushes the door open with a shove and the camera follows the entire group into the former Oval Office. A cat treadmill sits beside the large desk and scratching posts litter the entire room in various stages of uprightness. The four survivors spread out in front of the desk. A posh leather chair faces away from them behind the desk. DeVera and Graff have their weapons drawn, Amburgey holds out the box menacingly, and Tamayo holds out her hand in the shape of a gun*
Tamayo: The Unspeakable One, you’re under arrest for crimes against humanity. Turn around slowly with your paws raised. Make no sudden movements.
Voice from behind the chair: Mrrow? (Subtitle: My, my, you’re looking for The Unspeakable One?)
*The chair turns slowly, revealing Sam, AKA Elkenah the Merciless*
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow (Subtitle: I must say, I’m surprised to see you here)
DeVera: You… you actually look it
*Tamayo attempts to hide a snort of laughter*
Elkenah the Merciless: mrrow? (Subtitle: Laugh all you want, human. As it stands, you’ve wandered into my territory. This place is crawling with my army and you’re without a plan) *Elkenah yawns and rests his head on the arm of the chair*
Tamayo: We do so have a plan!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not)
Tamayo: Do too!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not)
Tamayo: Do too!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not) *the scenes of Elkenah purring are repeats of the same clip of him purring*
Tamayo: Do too infinity!
Elkenah the Merciless: *sneezes* (Subtitle: Curse you and calling infinity!) *He jumps onto the desk and approaches a glass of water* Meow (Subtitle: You have won, humans. I will accept my defeat with dignity and grace)
*Elkenah the Merciless bats the glass of water off the desk*
Elkenah the Merciless: *watches the spilled water* (Subtitle: Curse you, you hairless, inbred, monkey-fart sniffing, slack-jawed, screen obsessed, puppy mill rejects!)
*Amburgey slams the box over Elkenah the Merciless before anything else can appear in the subtitles*
Amburgey: Hold it, not in front of the kids! *he rests his elbow on top of the box and offers the camera an apologetic smile*
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow! Meow! (subtitle: Sorry) Growl
Amburgey: *Covering the subtitles with his hand* He didn’t mean that, really.
In steps Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws from the hall.
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (Subtitle: My liege, I heard a disturbance and came to investigate, is everything-)
*All four humans turn to face Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws. Scene cuts to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws staring at them. Scene cuts to the humans staring at Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws*
*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws turns and trots out of the room*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (Subtitle: INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS! SOUND THE ALARM. HUMANS ARE KIDNAPPING OUR OVERLORD!)
*Kittens appear from every doorway and from every crevasse in couches and chairs. A string is barely visible at the bottom of the screen as all of the kittens chase after it.*
DeVera: Well, I guess that means the party’s over. *She aims with both spray bottles in “The Official Gangsta Pose©” and sprays the oncoming horde of assassin kittens. A few of them stumble and fall over. Camera cuts to a cat paw prop making a swiping motion. DeVera makes a completely fake motion like she’s been hit in the shoulder. She dabs ketchup off of her wounded shoulder, then yells as she brings the spray bottles up again*
DeVera: Run! I’ll cover you. *She sprays off the screen stage right. Her shoulders pump back and forth from imagined recoil*
*Amburgey grabs the box and is almost to the window when he turns around*
Amburgey: Come on. I’m not leaving you.
*Scene cuts to a cat paw prop swiping. DeVera makes a motion like she’s been struck in the cheek. She spits out ketchup*
DeVera: Shut up and go or you won’t make it *she drops an empty spray bottle and pulls another one from the holster at her hip*
Amburgey: Listen, if they ever make a spin-off show-
DeVera: Then the first episode will be about me turning you down!
Amburgey: Fair enough. I’ll talk to Peter Jackson *He jumps out of the window with Elkenah the Merciless in the box in his arms*
*the camera jumps back to DeVera, who continues to spray the oncoming assassins. She tosses her last spray bottle to the side and jumps out of the window. When she lands she rolls forward onto her knees*
DeVera: *Facing the camera* What? You thought I’d die there? Sorry, I’m not that altruistic.
*The camera follows her as she sprints to catch up with the others. Right as the camera can make out the silhouettes of the rest of the group, the camera cuts to the front, where Amburgey, Graff, and Tamayo with their arms in the air*
DeVera: Why’re we-?
*Graff points in front of them. DeVera turns her head and the camera cuts to a man in a white lab coat with a metal colander on his head. Wires and a miniature antenna stick out at odd angles*
Elkenah the Merciless: mrrow (Subtitle: What’s the phrase you humans have? Infinity plus one?)
Graff: He’s mind controlling that human! That’s low!
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow (Subtitle: Precisely. Doctor Kyle Lowe, foremost expert on mind control techniques. Like all evil geniuses, Dr. Lowe has become the first subject of his invention, leaving us at the controls of his mind. You don’t think I became the Overlord of Ameristralia because of my eyebrow-shaped markings and cute demeanor, do you?)
All four humans: Yes.
Elkenah: Mrrow (subtitle: You can’t see it, but I’m rolling my eyes at all of you) Meow! (Subtitle: Lowe, attack!)
*Camera cuts to Dr. Lowe, who nods his head while staring forward. With large pumping motions, he runs toward the group. As the narrator’s voice cuts in, the camera switches to a profile shot of Dr. Lowe running in front of an obviously paper background*
Narrator: Will our heroes escape an attack from one of their own? Have any of them thought of saving Dr. Lowe? Will they succeed in returning to the Resistance safehouse with Elkenah the Merciless? Will I get to do my nature documentary voice again? All of these question might possibly be answered or thought about in the next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: A Lowe Blow