Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob From Outer Space IX: A New Nope
*Scene fades in to the silhouette of Lowe wearing a metal colander with wires and foil coming out from every direction. He is breathing heavily and his shoulders and arms rise with each breath*
Narrator: The poor soul you see before you is none other than Dr. Kyle Lowe, one of the world’s leading scientists in the field of mind control.
*Camera zooms in slowly as light rises and Dr. Lowe’s features can be seen*
Narrator: Unfortunately, he’s become victim to his own success. As soon as he had completed his work and invented the first brain manipulation device the overlords of the known world made him be his first test subject. Now he’s a killing machine, incapable of compassion, incapable of mercy and…
*Camera moves toward a single eye, which moves erratically in every direction before looking at the camera*
Narrator: … incapable of stopping.
*A bell chimes, and the scene cuts to Dr. Lowe standing beside Sam the Merciless One*
Sam the Merciless One: Meow (Subtitle: Now, your foolishness has caught you right where I want you)
*Scene cuts to Graff, Amburgey, DeVera, and Tamayo*
Graff: *raising her spray-painted Nerf gun* Not yet you haven’t!
*Graff fires her three shots. Dollar store space gun sounds come from the gun*
Graff: Blast! I can’t get a clear picture on him
DeVera: Have you tried turning it sideways?
Sam the Merciless One: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Enough! I grow weary of your ceaseless bickering! Dr. Lowe, attack!)
*Dr. Lowe nods and runs at the four. In his run his colander falls off. Next scene it appears on his head*
Amburgey: *Running towards the tall fence* What’re we going to do?
Tamayo: I thought you had a plan!
*Dr. Lowe catches up to them and pins Tamayo and Amburgey against the fence by their necks. They both emit fake choking sounds*
DeVera: No! *She runs up to Lowe and fake punches at him a couple of times* It’s no use. He’s like a rock.
Amburgey: *chuckles* that’s what she said. *looks at the camera out of the corner of his eye, then goes back to making choking noises*
Graff: I’m not giving up! *She tugs on Lowe’s arm, then jumps on his back with an arm around his neck. The colander falls off his head*
Lowe: I’m awake! What ha- *Lowe actually chokes. Sinking to the ground, he taps on Graff’s arm a couple of times before going limp*
DeVera: You did it! Knocking the mind control device off his head freed him!
Sam the Merciless One: Mrrow (Subtitle: Curses! Foiled again)
*DeVera and Amburgey capture Sam the Merciless One in a cardboard box*
Tamayo: This victory is ours. We’ll send the main groups in to secure the area. We need to return to headquarters
Narrator: Return to headquarters is right. For at that moment, dark deeds were already happening, right under their noses.
Tamayo: *shoulders fall* Ah, crap. I hate it when dark deeds are done under my nose.
*Nyan cat flies across the screen, swiping to a scene inside headquarters. Chacon leans forward at a desk, scribbling notes and speaking hurriedly into a headset. After a few seconds she leans back in the chair and stretches*
Chacon: *flipping a switch on a PA system* Attention all members of the resistance. Sam the Merciless One has been captured!
*Cheering can be heard in the background*
Chacon: This doesn’t mean we’re off for the night, I still need Henderson, Bradshaw, and Davis on patrol duty tonight. Mann, Cole, and Emrick, you’re on kitchen duty.
*various moans and expressions of frustration can be heard in the background*
Chacon: Hey! If hear another complaint I’ll make sure you get stuck in the kitchen making cheeseburgers for the cats. We’ve gotten intel that Draega the Sightless One has been spotted coming this way, so we need everyone on their game tonight.
*Chacon flips the switch off the PA and massages her forehead. Davy enters the room from stage left*
Davy: Sergeant Chacon, everything going okay?
Chacon: Yeah, I’m just tired. This whole mission to get The Unspeakable One has had everyone at their wits’ end. Give me a good night’s rest and I’ll be good.
Davy: *Leans against the desk* So, is it true we’ve got Kitler in our cells?
Chacon: *Sitting up straight* Who told you that?
Davy: Just heard it through the grapevine.
Chacon: Even if I knew, I couldn’t tell you. As far as I know, Sam the Merciless One will be the first high-level target to be incarcerated here. Any important target’s been going to central.
Davy: Woooooould there be some way you could find out where Kitler is?
*Chacon stops and turns to face Davy*
Chacon: Why are you so interested in Kitler?
Davy: *Looking at the wanted poster for Kitler* He has pretty eyes.
Chacon: Excuse me?
Davy: *coughs* I mean, he’s the one I despise. *She sighs romantically at the wanted poster.
Chacon: You need to be more concerned with being on the lookout for Draega. A black cat’s always going to have the advantage at night.
Davy: Fine. How will we spot her?
Chacon: *Pulls a cell phone out of her pocket* Snap a picture. The glare from the cat’s eyes will show you exactly where she is.
*Davy nods and turns to exit the room, but not before pausing before a picture of Kitler posted on the wall. Ominous bongo music plays in the background*
Chacon: Well, time for me to go to bed. No point in hearing everyone else waste their time celebrating.
*Chacon flips a switch on the computer beside her and pulls of the headset. The camera follows her out of the office, down a hall and past an open mess hall door where everyone is celebrating the recent successful mission, and to a locked dorm room labeled V. Chacon. She swipes her ID badge over the door handle. The inside of her living space is sparsely decorated, but a few plants are placed in front of her window. Draega the Sightless One can be seen sitting on the storage locker at the foot of her bunk.*
Chacon: Almost forgot to check. *She pulls out her phone and snaps pictures of every corner of the room. In one is a clear picture of Draega the Sightless One.* Oh, good. No glare, no high-ranking feline assassin. *She tosses her phone onto her bed and begins to untuck her uniform shirt. She pauses* Oh, no. Better not risk it. Too many bad things happen in horror movies when the female gets too comfortable.
*Chacon shuts off the light and lays down on the bed. Silky smooth but dark violin music comes in the silence that follows. The camera jumps to Draega the Sightless One’s paws as she makes her way onto the bed and up to Chacon’s shoulders.*
*Camera jumps to an overhead shot of Chacon from the shoulders up. A cat’s paw prop enters from stage left with a vial taped to the paw*
Draega the Sightless One: Purr (Subtitle: So long, Intelligence Officer. It’s unfortunate you were here when a black cat crossed your path)
*The camera zooms in to Chacon’s head and the cat’s paw holding the vial. Slowly, the paw turns, spilling the green liquid in and around Chacon’s mouth. Chacon stifles a laugh, then fakes a final gasp of breath before slumping over, dead*
*The camera jumps to a scene of the doorway out of Chacon’s cell with Chacon’s silhouette at the bottom. Draega the Sightless One jumps from the bed and sits beside the doorway.*
*Graff bursts through the door*
Graff: Chacon! Where have you b-
*Tamayo, Amburgey, and DeVera appear behind Graff. All of them have shocked expressions. The camera moves to Tamayo, who screams theatrically with her hands over her mouth.*
*Camera shifts to the four in the doorway*
DeVera: Maybe she’s still alive. Maybe we’ve got time. *DeVera enters the room and checks Chacon’s pulse on her wrist. Tamayo and Graff enter after her. The two look on with hope in their eyes.*
*DeVera shakes her head*
*Amburgey slams his fist against the doorframe.*
Amburgey: DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! *There’s a tinny echo of his frustration after he’s done screaming*
Narrator: Must every victory come at so great a cost? How many others will we see fall in this battle to overthrow our feline oppressors? Just where is the Unspeakable One, or was this a clever ploy by Kitler for the atrocity we’ve just seen? Tune next time to watch more tragedy unfold in Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space, episode X: Letters from the Litter Box.