Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob From Outer Space IX: A New Nope
*Scene fades in to the silhouette of Lowe wearing a metal colander with wires and foil coming out from every direction. He is breathing heavily and his shoulders and arms rise with each breath*
Narrator: The poor soul you see before you is none other than Dr. Kyle Lowe, one of the world’s leading scientists in the field of mind control.
*Camera zooms in slowly as light rises and Dr. Lowe’s features can be seen*
Narrator: Unfortunately, he’s become victim to his own success. As soon as he had completed his work and invented the first brain manipulation device the overlords of the known world made him be his first test subject. Now he’s a killing machine, incapable of compassion, incapable of mercy and…
*Camera moves toward a single eye, which moves erratically in every direction before looking at the camera*
Narrator: … incapable of stopping.
*A bell chimes, and the scene cuts to Dr. Lowe standing beside Sam the Merciless One*
Sam the Merciless One: Meow (Subtitle: Now, your foolishness has caught you right where I want you)
*Scene cuts to Graff, Amburgey, DeVera, and Tamayo*
Graff: *raising her spray-painted Nerf gun* Not yet you haven’t!
*Graff fires her three shots. Dollar store space gun sounds come from the gun*
Graff: Blast! I can’t get a clear picture on him
DeVera: Have you tried turning it sideways?
Sam the Merciless One: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Enough! I grow weary of your ceaseless bickering! Dr. Lowe, attack!)
*Dr. Lowe nods and runs at the four. In his run his colander falls off. Next scene it appears on his head*
Amburgey: *Running towards the tall fence* What’re we going to do?
Tamayo: I thought you had a plan!
*Dr. Lowe catches up to them and pins Tamayo and Amburgey against the fence by their necks. They both emit fake choking sounds*
DeVera: No! *She runs up to Lowe and fake punches at him a couple of times* It’s no use. He’s like a rock.
Amburgey: *chuckles* that’s what she said. *looks at the camera out of the corner of his eye, then goes back to making choking noises*
Graff: I’m not giving up! *She tugs on Lowe’s arm, then jumps on his back with an arm around his neck. The colander falls off his head*
Lowe: I’m awake! What ha- *Lowe actually chokes. Sinking to the ground, he taps on Graff’s arm a couple of times before going limp*
DeVera: You did it! Knocking the mind control device off his head freed him!
Sam the Merciless One: Mrrow (Subtitle: Curses! Foiled again)
*DeVera and Amburgey capture Sam the Merciless One in a cardboard box*
Tamayo: This victory is ours. We’ll send the main groups in to secure the area. We need to return to headquarters
Narrator: Return to headquarters is right. For at that moment, dark deeds were already happening, right under their noses.
Tamayo: *shoulders fall* Ah, crap. I hate it when dark deeds are done under my nose.
*Nyan cat flies across the screen, swiping to a scene inside headquarters. Chacon leans forward at a desk, scribbling notes and speaking hurriedly into a headset. After a few seconds she leans back in the chair and stretches*
Chacon: *flipping a switch on a PA system* Attention all members of the resistance. Sam the Merciless One has been captured!
*Cheering can be heard in the background*
Chacon: This doesn’t mean we’re off for the night, I still need Henderson, Bradshaw, and Davis on patrol duty tonight. Mann, Cole, and Emrick, you’re on kitchen duty.
*various moans and expressions of frustration can be heard in the background*
Chacon: Hey! If hear another complaint I’ll make sure you get stuck in the kitchen making cheeseburgers for the cats. We’ve gotten intel that Draega the Sightless One has been spotted coming this way, so we need everyone on their game tonight.
*Chacon flips the switch off the PA and massages her forehead. Davy enters the room from stage left*
Davy: Sergeant Chacon, everything going okay?
Chacon: Yeah, I’m just tired. This whole mission to get The Unspeakable One has had everyone at their wits’ end. Give me a good night’s rest and I’ll be good.
Davy: *Leans against the desk* So, is it true we’ve got Kitler in our cells?
Chacon: *Sitting up straight* Who told you that?
Davy: Just heard it through the grapevine.
Chacon: Even if I knew, I couldn’t tell you. As far as I know, Sam the Merciless One will be the first high-level target to be incarcerated here. Any important target’s been going to central.
Davy: Woooooould there be some way you could find out where Kitler is?
*Chacon stops and turns to face Davy*
Chacon: Why are you so interested in Kitler?
Davy: *Looking at the wanted poster for Kitler* He has pretty eyes.
Chacon: Excuse me?
Davy: *coughs* I mean, he’s the one I despise. *She sighs romantically at the wanted poster.
Chacon: You need to be more concerned with being on the lookout for Draega. A black cat’s always going to have the advantage at night.
Davy: Fine. How will we spot her?
Chacon: *Pulls a cell phone out of her pocket* Snap a picture. The glare from the cat’s eyes will show you exactly where she is.
*Davy nods and turns to exit the room, but not before pausing before a picture of Kitler posted on the wall. Ominous bongo music plays in the background*
Chacon: Well, time for me to go to bed. No point in hearing everyone else waste their time celebrating.
*Chacon flips a switch on the computer beside her and pulls of the headset. The camera follows her out of the office, down a hall and past an open mess hall door where everyone is celebrating the recent successful mission, and to a locked dorm room labeled V. Chacon. She swipes her ID badge over the door handle. The inside of her living space is sparsely decorated, but a few plants are placed in front of her window. Draega the Sightless One can be seen sitting on the storage locker at the foot of her bunk.*
Chacon: Almost forgot to check. *She pulls out her phone and snaps pictures of every corner of the room. In one is a clear picture of Draega the Sightless One.* Oh, good. No glare, no high-ranking feline assassin. *She tosses her phone onto her bed and begins to untuck her uniform shirt. She pauses* Oh, no. Better not risk it. Too many bad things happen in horror movies when the female gets too comfortable.
*Chacon shuts off the light and lays down on the bed. Silky smooth but dark violin music comes in the silence that follows. The camera jumps to Draega the Sightless One’s paws as she makes her way onto the bed and up to Chacon’s shoulders.*
*Camera jumps to an overhead shot of Chacon from the shoulders up. A cat’s paw prop enters from stage left with a vial taped to the paw*
Draega the Sightless One: Purr (Subtitle: So long, Intelligence Officer. It’s unfortunate you were here when a black cat crossed your path)
*The camera zooms in to Chacon’s head and the cat’s paw holding the vial. Slowly, the paw turns, spilling the green liquid in and around Chacon’s mouth. Chacon stifles a laugh, then fakes a final gasp of breath before slumping over, dead*
*The camera jumps to a scene of the doorway out of Chacon’s cell with Chacon’s silhouette at the bottom. Draega the Sightless One jumps from the bed and sits beside the doorway.*
*Graff bursts through the door*
Graff: Chacon! Where have you b-
*Tamayo, Amburgey, and DeVera appear behind Graff. All of them have shocked expressions. The camera moves to Tamayo, who screams theatrically with her hands over her mouth.*
*Camera shifts to the four in the doorway*
DeVera: Maybe she’s still alive. Maybe we’ve got time. *DeVera enters the room and checks Chacon’s pulse on her wrist. Tamayo and Graff enter after her. The two look on with hope in their eyes.*
*DeVera shakes her head*
*Amburgey slams his fist against the doorframe.*
Amburgey: DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! *There’s a tinny echo of his frustration after he’s done screaming*
Narrator: Must every victory come at so great a cost? How many others will we see fall in this battle to overthrow our feline oppressors? Just where is the Unspeakable One, or was this a clever ploy by Kitler for the atrocity we’ve just seen? Tune next time to watch more tragedy unfold in Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space, episode X: Letters from the Litter Box.
Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space VIII: The Unspoken Words of the Unspeakable One
*Scene fades in on the narrator, standing behind Amburgey, Graff, DeVera, and Tamayo as they crouch under a window. He is just stage left of the window, and the shadow of a cat can be seen inside. Nothing else is visible in the window*
Narrator: The group you see before you is none other than humanity’s one hope of surviving an insidious enemy that has taken over and enslaved the world. Their top secret mission at this time is to –
*Tamayo, at the lead of the group, turns her head around to speak to the narrator*
Tamayo: Could you do that a little quieter? We’re trying to infiltrate the former White House and capture a feline general. If we blow it then all hope is lost.
Narrator: *Throwing his hands up in defeat* There goes my plot exposition.
Tamayo: Not all of it. Just whisper, okay?
*Narrator leans in towards the camera*
Narrator: *whispering* Here we see a survivor group in their natural habitat. Not the crouched position. While hunting, survivors keep their profile low so as not to disturb their prey. Let’s watch as they… Okay, they’ve spotted a target. So far, he looks completely unaware of-
Graff: Are you narrating this like a nature documentary? Seriously?
Narrator: Look how the female survivor approaches another potential hunter in an aggressive stance. She means business. Who knows how the confrontation is going to play out.
Graff: *points a decently painted Nerf gun at the narrator’s chest* If you keep this up I’ll show you a new meaning to the word ‘aggressive’
Narrator: The other survivor backs away from the display of fortitude from the female. Wise move on his part. *Narrator steps backwards out of the screen stage left.*
Graff: Good *she turns and rejoins the group* Amburgey, you’re sure this is the best way in, right?
Amburgey: *Nodding* That’s what Kitler said.
*Amburgey shifts to the front of the group just under the window. He holds an open box in his hands*
Amburgey: Meow (Subtitle: Salutations, fellow feline!)
*The cat at the window turns to face toward the camera*
Cat: Meow (Subtitle: Oy, mate, what’s the password?)
Amburgey: *Clearing his throat* Meow? (Subtitle: Fancy nose)
*The cat’s ears perk up*
Cat: Mrrow? (Subtitle: What’s that, then?)
Amburgey: *swears under his breath* Meow? (Subtitle: I mean, Fancy Feast)
Cat: *Standing up from his basket* Right, then, you’re clear. For a second, there, I thought you was one of them humans. We got told about –
*Amburgey springs up from under the window and in one motion seals both the cat and his basket. The cat yowls in muffled anger. The subtitles come on with synchronized bleeps. The cat swipes at Amburgey through breathing holes cut into the box*
Tamayo: *Whispering loudly* Alright, people, move it, move it, move it
*All four in the group hop through the window. Amburgey carefully sets the box down before going through. Graff is last, performing a quick scan with her Nerf rifle before entering*
*Camera cuts to the inside of an office building. Litter boxes cover the large table in the middle of the room*
DeVera: Where are we?
Tamayo: According to our blueprint, this is the cabinet office.
DeVera: How come there aren’t any cabinets in here?
*Tamayo gives DeVera ‘a look’*
Tamayo: Anyways, the place we’re looking for is just down this hall.
*The camera pans to the right. The furniture has been shredded anywhere there’s fabric. Random pieces of string, yarn, and one gentleman’s tie dangle from every available surface*
Tamayo: Good heavens. *She looks across the hall* This place is completely different.
Graff: *pushes to the front of the line* That’s nice, but if we wait, there’s a pretty good chance we’ll get caught.
*Graff leads the line down the hallway, scanning the entire time with her Nerf rifle. DeVera takes the rear with a spray bottle of catnip in each hand. The camera pauses with her in the middle. The spray bottles are cocked horizontal to the ground in “The Official Gangsta Pose©”, with the words splashed across the screen with a ‘ding’ sound effect. After a brief pause for the audience to read the “The Official Gangsta Pose©” message, the scene resumes motion.*
*Scene cuts to Graff and Tamayo at the front of the group. Tamayo taps Graff on the shoulder and motions to the door on Graff’s right. Graff nods. Ominous bassoon music fades in. Graff stacks against the door jamb and listens in. Faint meowing can be heard. Graff gives a thumb’s up to the rest of the group. Amburgey unfolds another box without making a sound*
*Scene cuts to a close up of the door handle. Graff’s gloved hand rises from the bottom of the screen and grips the handle. Her exhale can be heard off screen. Her hand trembles. Then she pushes the door open with a shove and the camera follows the entire group into the former Oval Office. A cat treadmill sits beside the large desk and scratching posts litter the entire room in various stages of uprightness. The four survivors spread out in front of the desk. A posh leather chair faces away from them behind the desk. DeVera and Graff have their weapons drawn, Amburgey holds out the box menacingly, and Tamayo holds out her hand in the shape of a gun*
Tamayo: The Unspeakable One, you’re under arrest for crimes against humanity. Turn around slowly with your paws raised. Make no sudden movements.
Voice from behind the chair: Mrrow? (Subtitle: My, my, you’re looking for The Unspeakable One?)
*The chair turns slowly, revealing Sam, AKA Elkenah the Merciless*
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow (Subtitle: I must say, I’m surprised to see you here)
DeVera: You… you actually look it
*Tamayo attempts to hide a snort of laughter*
Elkenah the Merciless: mrrow? (Subtitle: Laugh all you want, human. As it stands, you’ve wandered into my territory. This place is crawling with my army and you’re without a plan) *Elkenah yawns and rests his head on the arm of the chair*
Tamayo: We do so have a plan!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not)
Tamayo: Do too!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not)
Tamayo: Do too!
Elkenah the Merciless: Purr (Subtitle: Do not) *the scenes of Elkenah purring are repeats of the same clip of him purring*
Tamayo: Do too infinity!
Elkenah the Merciless: *sneezes* (Subtitle: Curse you and calling infinity!) *He jumps onto the desk and approaches a glass of water* Meow (Subtitle: You have won, humans. I will accept my defeat with dignity and grace)
*Elkenah the Merciless bats the glass of water off the desk*
Elkenah the Merciless: *watches the spilled water* (Subtitle: Curse you, you hairless, inbred, monkey-fart sniffing, slack-jawed, screen obsessed, puppy mill rejects!)
*Amburgey slams the box over Elkenah the Merciless before anything else can appear in the subtitles*
Amburgey: Hold it, not in front of the kids! *he rests his elbow on top of the box and offers the camera an apologetic smile*
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow! Meow! (subtitle: Sorry) Growl
Amburgey: *Covering the subtitles with his hand* He didn’t mean that, really.
In steps Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws from the hall.
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (Subtitle: My liege, I heard a disturbance and came to investigate, is everything-)
*All four humans turn to face Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws. Scene cuts to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws staring at them. Scene cuts to the humans staring at Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws*
*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws turns and trots out of the room*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (Subtitle: INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS! SOUND THE ALARM. HUMANS ARE KIDNAPPING OUR OVERLORD!)
*Kittens appear from every doorway and from every crevasse in couches and chairs. A string is barely visible at the bottom of the screen as all of the kittens chase after it.*
DeVera: Well, I guess that means the party’s over. *She aims with both spray bottles in “The Official Gangsta Pose©” and sprays the oncoming horde of assassin kittens. A few of them stumble and fall over. Camera cuts to a cat paw prop making a swiping motion. DeVera makes a completely fake motion like she’s been hit in the shoulder. She dabs ketchup off of her wounded shoulder, then yells as she brings the spray bottles up again*
DeVera: Run! I’ll cover you. *She sprays off the screen stage right. Her shoulders pump back and forth from imagined recoil*
*Amburgey grabs the box and is almost to the window when he turns around*
Amburgey: Come on. I’m not leaving you.
*Scene cuts to a cat paw prop swiping. DeVera makes a motion like she’s been struck in the cheek. She spits out ketchup*
DeVera: Shut up and go or you won’t make it *she drops an empty spray bottle and pulls another one from the holster at her hip*
Amburgey: Listen, if they ever make a spin-off show-
DeVera: Then the first episode will be about me turning you down!
Amburgey: Fair enough. I’ll talk to Peter Jackson *He jumps out of the window with Elkenah the Merciless in the box in his arms*
*the camera jumps back to DeVera, who continues to spray the oncoming assassins. She tosses her last spray bottle to the side and jumps out of the window. When she lands she rolls forward onto her knees*
DeVera: *Facing the camera* What? You thought I’d die there? Sorry, I’m not that altruistic.
*The camera follows her as she sprints to catch up with the others. Right as the camera can make out the silhouettes of the rest of the group, the camera cuts to the front, where Amburgey, Graff, and Tamayo with their arms in the air*
DeVera: Why’re we-?
*Graff points in front of them. DeVera turns her head and the camera cuts to a man in a white lab coat with a metal colander on his head. Wires and a miniature antenna stick out at odd angles*
Elkenah the Merciless: mrrow (Subtitle: What’s the phrase you humans have? Infinity plus one?)
Graff: He’s mind controlling that human! That’s low!
Elkenah the Merciless: Meow (Subtitle: Precisely. Doctor Kyle Lowe, foremost expert on mind control techniques. Like all evil geniuses, Dr. Lowe has become the first subject of his invention, leaving us at the controls of his mind. You don’t think I became the Overlord of Ameristralia because of my eyebrow-shaped markings and cute demeanor, do you?)
All four humans: Yes.
Elkenah: Mrrow (subtitle: You can’t see it, but I’m rolling my eyes at all of you) Meow! (Subtitle: Lowe, attack!)
*Camera cuts to Dr. Lowe, who nods his head while staring forward. With large pumping motions, he runs toward the group. As the narrator’s voice cuts in, the camera switches to a profile shot of Dr. Lowe running in front of an obviously paper background*
Narrator: Will our heroes escape an attack from one of their own? Have any of them thought of saving Dr. Lowe? Will they succeed in returning to the Resistance safehouse with Elkenah the Merciless? Will I get to do my nature documentary voice again? All of these question might possibly be answered or thought about in the next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: A Lowe Blow
Narrator: Our story continues, even though tonight won’t really look like it –
Narrator: *Still in narrator voice* It’s true. *Coughs* Anyway, back on the ranch, the heroes are getting ready to launch a mission in the name of survival, resistance, and love.
*A still of Kitler passes across the screen from stage left, simultaneously with an image of The Unspeakable One from stage right*
Narrator: No one knows the danger that awaits them. No one knows who may not walk back to the safe house with them. No one knows, yet each of them is gambling with their life that it won’t be them.
*Scene rises from black to a line of boots trudging through the rain. Graff, DeVera, Amburgey, and Tamayo walk single file through an abandoned town en route to the former US White House. Abandoned cars, bicycles, and a unicycle are strewn across the road.*
Graff: Are we really going through all this trouble just to capture The Unspeakable One for Kitler?
Amburgey: That’s the plan. We planned on capturing her anyways. Not a big deal to get it out of the way now.
Graff: Actually, it’s a pretty big deal. Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstien and Sam are back in Colorado. And instead of getting them with a three hour road trip, we instead stole four different vehicles, broke into a half dozen gas stations, and cleaned out a Russell Stover’s to get to DC.
DeVera: *Holds a hand out to stop the group* Guys. Did you hear that?
*Everyone looks around them. A fake cricket chirps in the background*
DeVera: There’s a person nearby. A human.
Graff: How can you tell?
DeVera: Can’t you hear the snoring?
*Fake snoring comes in, and everyone in the group turns to face a store front that doesn’t have the glass shattered. Laying in a display recliner is a man with about a two week beard covering his face. His security officer’s uniform has stains under the armpits. The only thing that looks clean and regularly used is the pistol at his hip. Smashed cans and empty chip bags are scattered around the store display. The snoring grows louder as they approach the store front. An unknown sound from inside the store has the group jumping for cover in an old van on cinder blocks*
*The snoring man stirs, but doesn’t remove the faded baseball hat from across his eyes.*
*DeVera points at the foot of the recliner, where a small grey shape is moving*
Graff: *whispering loudly* It’s an assassin. We need to go save him!
DeVera: *shakes her head* That’ll only make us targets as well. Who knows how many others there are that we aren’t seeing. He’s a goner.
*The camera pans up from the group to the scene in the store front, where a kitten can clearly be seen making its way onto the recliner*
*A faked female gasp comes from off-camera as the kitten climbs onto the sleeping man. The man only wakes then the kitten has its paws around the man’s neck*
Grey kitten: Mrrow. (Subtitle: There is no Fluffy. There is only Zuul, the Banisher. Prepare for your banishing
Security officer: Huh, the internet’s right. This is awkward.
*The scene shifts to face the group, who all wince. The Wilhelm scream can be heard.*
*The camera cuts back to the base of the recliner with the handle. The man’s arm falls into scene from stage top. Chocolate syrup drips down the arm*
DeVera: Did he say Zuul the Banisher?
*Everyone looks at Amburgey*
Amburgey: I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention
DeVera: How could you not be paying attention? This is important.
Amburgey: The dude had an empty box of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. I was counting to see if he had any left!
Graff: Seriously? You were trying to steal Mountain Dew Pitch Black from him?
Amburgey: Yes! That stuff’s ambrosia. The nectar of the gods. And he’s dead, it’s not like he was going to drink it.
Tamayo: You’re saying the name of the soda a lot. Are we getting paid for this product placement?
*All four look at the camera. Their shoulders visibly slump*
DeVera: Well, listen this time. *She smacks Amburgey’s arm* Maybe he’ll say it again.
Zuul the Banisher: Mrowrowrow! (Subtitle: I, Zuul the Banisher, have claimed another victory for our glorious feline empire. All shall fear Zuul the Banisher!)
Amburgey: That was convenient.
DeVera: *whispering* Zuul the Banisher works alone. He insists on it. I didn’t think he operated in Ameristralia.
Graff: If we capture him, we can use him to get to The Unspeakable One.
*Graff pulls a laser pointer from a pouch made of Duct tape from a duty belt. Scene cuts to the triumphant Zuul the Banisher. A red dot appears on the man’s chest.
Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What’s this? Another victim for Zuul?) *He pounces on it, only to have the dot move further down the recliner* Meow! (Subtitle: Die, infidel!)
*Zuul chases the red dot off of the recliner and to the front door, which has a very conveniently placed hole right at his level.*
Graff: *Hissing* Get a box ready.
*DeVera pulls a flattened cardboard box from her backpack and shuffles it into shape. She clumsily rolls to the front of the vehicle, trying to make it look tactical and stuff. When Zuul the Banisher comes just in front of the vehicle, DeVera leaps out and captures the kitten in the box*
Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What’s this? A trap? No, this is a box. I’m safe!)
*Amburgey performs a roll and lands on his knees with his hands in karate chop position. He takes a flat piece of cardboard and slides it under the box containing Zuul the Banisher*
Zuul the Banisher: Purr (Subtitle: This is actually pretty comfortable)
Amburgey: *clears his throat* meow? (Subtitle: Take me to your leader)
Zuul the Banisher: Meow? (Subtitle: What?)
Amburgey: Mrow (Subtitle: Take me to your leader, please)
Zuul the Banisher: Purr (Subtitle: Two blocks over. There’s window open on the first floor. The password is Fancy Feast)
Tamayo: You speak cat?
Amburgey: *Shrugging* I was studying abroad. Picked up a little in France. We’re going two blocks west. Open window on the first floor. *He motions in the right direction with his chin*
*Scene enters a montage of the four of them making their way through the deserted streets. They narrowly avoid being spotted by guard Siamese cats. DeVera nearly drops the box containing Zuul the Banisher. The montage ends as the four of them tumble and roll with Tamayo performing a cartwheel, under the open window of the former US White House. *
Graff: We made it. We’re that much closer to catching The Unspeakable One. *She looks at each person in the group* Are you ready?
Amburgey: *Raises a hand* Can we go back through that montage and get the Mountain Dew Pitch Black?
Narrator: Will our heroes succeed? Was Zuul the Banisher giving them the right information? What’s waiting for them on the other side? Is Mountain Dew Pitch Black really that tasty?
Find out on the next episode of The Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: It’s still a cat, right?
Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space VI: The Interrogation of Kitler
Narrator: Welcome. Our story tonight takes us deep in the cells of the Resistance. This hideaway holds the remaining forces of humanity against an enemy that has conquered their world completely. The band that calls this place home, however, may have found the key turning the tides against their foe.
*The sounds of a string bass fill the blank screen. Then the opening chords of “Toxic” by Britney Spears blasts over the bass. A sound operator swears and the music cuts off. The camera pans down from the wire of a light fixture hanging from the ceiling. A single light bulb illuminates a square table. On one side sits Kitler, who yawns and looks around the room. Ropes are tied loosely around his torso and front legs. The top loop of the rope falls when Kitler sets his front paws on the table.*
DeVera: *her face appears just at the edge of the light on the other side of the table. She tosses a folder on the table* we’ve been trying to find you for awhile. Not all that easy. Which is funny, considering you’ve literally plastered your face all over the portion of Ameristralia that Sam’s put you in charge of.
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: Fool. You may have captured me, but you’ll never get any information out of me. I am an iron vault!)
DeVera: A vault you may be, but we’ve got ways of making you talk
Kitler: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Wait, what? How do you speak so easily with me?)
DeVera: *Looking at camera* I speak cat
* discordant organ notes play and the camera zooms in and out rapidly in time with the organ.*
DeVera: Now, you can give us the information we need and you’ll get to luxuriate in a comfy little pet carrier until this whole thing blows over, or…” *She sets a spray bottle on the table.* we can see what happens when I pull this trigger.
Kitler: growl (subtitle: You wouldn’t dare use training spray on me. I’m an Ameristralian overlord by right and by appointment. YOU may release me now and Elkanah the Merciless may have mercy on you)
DeVera: Well, that’s the first bit of information we need. We’d been calling him Sam this whole time. It says so on his adoption paperwork
Kitler: *looking away from DeVera* mrrow (Subtitle: You may have tricked me once, but I’ll never reveal further. Do you hear me?)
DeVera: *stands* Loud and clear *She stands up and walks out of the light*
*The camera shifts to the large one way window outside of the room. Kitler can be seen inside the room, looking around and meowing occasionally.*
*The scene changes to the lower half of a man’s face in profile facing stage right*
Unknown man: He’s tough.
*Scene switches to DeVera, in profile, facing stage left*
DeVera: That’s why we took the risk of locating you.
Unknown man: You made the right decision
DeVera: Are we going to do the whole good cop/ bad cop routine?
*Scene shifts to man’s lower face in profile, which shakes in disagreement*
Unknown man: No, that will only waste time. Allow me to speak with him. You’ll get the answers you need.
*Scene changes to the room, behind Kitler. In the halo of light a form emerges, still unrecognizable from the shadow across his face.
Unknown man: Well, well, well. We meet again
*Paper mache mock up of Kitler turns to face the camera with a shocked expression*
Unknown man: I see you recognize me. Glad we can get that out of the way.
Kitler: Growling (Subtitle: Of course I remember you. I thought you had been disposed of already.)
Unknown man: I guess you could say I have nine lives.
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: No. No, you don’t)
Unknown man: Well, as much as I love small talk. I’ve got to get some info from you. Where’s Elkanah?
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: I’ll say nothing. Nothing!)
Unknown man: Nope. You’re going to tell me where he’s at, along with Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstein and The Unspeakable One. You’ll tell me their weaknesses, their plans, heck, I think you’ll even tell me their favorite flavor of wet food.
Kitler: Meow (subtitle: It’s salmon. I hate salmon, but they just -)
Unknown man: That’s the second bit of info. Thank you. You’re a wonderful traitor to your country.
Kitler: *jumping onto the table* Meow! (Subtitle: I am no traitor to my land, you disgusting hairless non-cat!)
Unknown man: You aren’t? Well, then why don’t we just make you one of us, then? You’re certainly doing wonders for our cause. *The man leans forward, resting his arms on the table. His face is still covered in shadow*
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: Do your worst. You can’t take anything from me anymore. Not since I’ll never be able to see her again)
Unknown man: Her?
Kitler: Meow (Subtitle: sigh, you’ve won. I have a lasting affection for The Unspeakable One. She is the cardboard box of comfort that draws me in. She’s the hair tie of love that I chase. Yet she is also the ever elusive red dot in my lives.)
Unknown man: *Wipes a tear from his eye* Wow. I didn’t know about this. Tell you what. We plan on capturing her. You know, part of that whole taking back our planet thing. You cooperate, we’ll see to it that you and she can possibly… get a cell next to each other?
Kitler: Purr (Subtitle: Can you do that?)
*Unknown man nods*
Kitler: Mrrow *A hand can be seen just stage left, scratching near the base of Kitler’s tail, causing multiple meows* (Subtitle: Elkanah’s fortress is in the Petco at the mall. His throne is the cash register. Baron Heinrich Von Floofenstien dwells in the tall building of the former PETA offices. He has Cartner, Fontenot, and Torres taken captive. He keeps them around for entertainment. The Unspeakable One lives in the former White House. She most often spends her time on the President’s throne)
Unknown man: The president doesn’t have a throne
Kitler: Purr (Subtitle: Laughter. Right. The biggest chair in the building, then. The one with a scepter covered in eagles)
*The unknown man stands from his chair*
Kitler: Mrrow? (Subtitle: You’ll keep your end of the deal? I’ve given you everything you wanted)
*The unknown man nods*
*DeVera is waiting in front of the two way mirror. Kitler is laying on the table licking a paw*
DeVera: You’ve got some magic in you. And some nerve. We might not be able to fulfill our end of the bargain.
Unknown man: Don’t worry, we’ll be true to our word. We just need to succeed in capturing the other two generals before we worry about that.
DeVera: Thank you, Amburgey.
*The scene shifts to illuminate the unknown man’s face, revealing him as Amburgey from episode one. He bears three clawed scars across one eye.*
DeVera: I thought I’d never see you again. *reaches for his hands*
Amburgey: *Pulling away* Don’t. We can’t do this.
DeVera: Why not?
Amburgey: Because we aren’t the main characters. This only happens in Peter Jackson movies, and we just couldn’t afford him.
*DeVera nods, then takes a step back*
Amburgey: It’ll happen, though. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. When we don’t have to bow to these oppressors.
*Amburgey turns and walks down the hall, becoming hidden by the shadows outside a string of lights, then illuminated by each light in succession*
Narrator: Are the stars finally aligning for our heroes? What the heck was that at the end of the episode? I don’t remember that in the book! See what other travesties are committed in the name of driving our ratings up in the next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: Second Planet on the Right and Straight on ‘Til Morning.
*A single note from a kazoo sounds. In a flash the scene rises on a framed picture of Tardar Sauce, AKA Grumpy Cat. The image has been printed from the internet and a 2/3 inch border of white on the top and bottom of the image*
Narrator: Look well on this image. It’s the face of evil; the face of terror that keeps countless people from sleep. Those who have seen this creature can only stare as evil enters their mind through their soul. No, I’m not talking about the image-torn recesses of the internet, but the very real ruler of the world as we know it. Here is the face of our enemy.
*The camera pans to the right, revealing more photos*
Narrator: These are the unspeakable demons that reign terror on the earth and rule with an iron fist, who have subdued mankind under their paws, who have broken the spirit and will of a once proud race.
*A glockenspiel chimes a chromatic run. A woman enters stage right and paces in front of the portraits*
Woman: The news has just been released from NATO. These are the faces of our new leaders. All humans have stepped down from their thrones and presidencies or have been *she shudders* taken care of. As of this moment, the world is run by cats.
*The camera blips to an audience, who gasp in unison. One person raises his hand*
One Person: Tamayo, isn’t this a bit of a jump from the last episode? I mean, we jump from one president being interrogated to the entire world being taken over. Doesn’t that seem a little quick for a species that takes several naps a day?
Tamayo: Don’t worry too much. If this ever airs, it’ll be on some late night cartoon channel. No one’s looking for continuity. The demographic is probably either stoned or drunk
*More murmuring, including phrases like ‘that makes sense’ and ‘could be worse’ and ‘at least we won’t be on FOX’ ‘I still miss Firefly’*
Tamayo: If I could direct your attention back up here…
*All conversation stops*
Tamayo: This is the target we need to be focusing on *She taps the photo of Eyebrows Cat with a pointer, complete with pointing hand at the tip. The portrait falls off the wall* He goes by the name of Sam. To all cats he is known as Vizzerdrix Six Claws. He’s currently the Master of Ameristralia.
Voice in the audience, played by Emma Stone: Ameristralia? Are you serious?
Tamayo: Cats control the internet, what do you expect? The two nations practically keep themselves under submission
Narrator: She’s right, you know
Tamayo: *Glares at the camera* Anyway, supposedly the plan was for Sam to control North America, but when he arrived with his army to Canada, they were met with the whole of the Canadian, who promptly apologized. So, he was given Australia, and the nation of Ameristralia was born
*The camera jumps from Tamayo to the assembled crowd* The assembled crowd: oooOOOOoooh.
*When the camera returns to Tamayo, the picture of Vizzerdrix Six Claws has been returned to the wall*
Tamayo: We’re going to take him down. This safehouse isn’t safe for anyone until we can stand freely on the streets without the secret police climbing our legs. *Patriotic music fades in. Lots of trumpets* Until we can go to the supermarket without spies scratching up our furniture looking for concealed items, until we can sleep at night without feeling their slit pupils on us watching our every move, until we can open a door without having to wait ten minutes for our masters to decide whether or not they want to actually go outside. *An Ameristralian flag fades into the background* We will not rest, mostly because they keep clawing and biting our toes, but also because the fire of our spirit pushes us onward. Onward… to victory!!!!!
*The assembled crowd rises to their feet. Some have tears in their eyes, others are saluting and cheering. A random graduation cap is tossed into the air*
Everyone together: For Ameristralia!!!
Emma Stone: Wait, don’t we want America back? Why keep it as Ameristralia?
DeVera: And give Hugh Jackman back? No way! *She slaps Emma Stone* Now go to a corner and think about what you’ve done *Emma Stone obeys*
*The crowd breaks into small groups of excited banter. Tamayo and DeVera pick their way through the crowd, looking for someone. DeVera points to someone in the far corner. The camera sweeps to Graff, who is watching the crowd from the corner with her arms crossed*
Tamayo: Graff, I’m glad we found you. We need your help with this mission
Graff: What mission? You haven’t really explained anything to them
Tamayo: Well, budget constraints. *shrugs* We blew it all on the fanfare and flag background.
Graff: *Raises an eyebrow* And getting Emma Stone here didn’t cost that much?
Tamayo: *Confused* I thought you brought her.
Tamayo: Anyway, back to the mission. We’ve found that one of Sam’s three generals is nearby on a public tour of his reign. Licking random earlobes and allowing his subjects to admire his squish beans, that sort of thing. We’re going to catnap him and see if we can get the rest of the information we need.
Graff: *Crosses her arms over her chest* And you need me because…?
Tamayo: Draega the Sightless One used to be your pet. She answers to this general.
Graff: *raises a hand to cover her mouth* you don’t mean?
Tamayo: *nods* We do. We’re going after…
*The camera zooms in on Tamayo until her face fills the screen, she looks right at the camera*
*The camera stays on her for a little bit more than an awkward second. Then, a cat logo spins and grows to almost fill the screen, then spins and shrinks, moving the scene to Vizzerdrix Six Claws. He sits on a raised platform and looks down at his three generals: Kitler, Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien, and The Unspeakable One.
Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Mrrow. (Subtitle: We have much work ahead of us. We may have won without a real war, but the real battle is ahead of us)
Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: Purr (Subtitle: I love synonyms)
Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Mrrr (subtitle: Focus! For the love of wet food, you’re like a human with a cell phone)
Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: *Hangs head* (Subtitle: Sorry, My lord)
Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Meow! (Subtitle: Now, Kitler. Step forward)
*Kitler steps onto the platform and licks Vizzerdrix on the head*
Off-stage Whisper: Snowball! Snowball, No! *whispered bleep noise*
Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Purr (Subtitle: Y-your affection and loyalty are noted. Your mission *From stage right can barely seen a set of hands that move Kitler a little from Vizzerdrix Six Claw* is to stage an attack on the safe house outside of Chicago.)
*Kitler yawns* (Subtitle: It will be done)
Vizzerdrix Six Claw: Meow (subtitle: Assemble your men. Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien, The Unspeakable One, come with me pursue our perfect plans of proliferation)
Baron Von Heinrich Floofenstien: Mrrow! (Subtitle: He must made an alliteration! I love those.)
*A cat logo spins and grows to almost fill the screen, then spins and shrinks, moving the scene to Graff, who is watching out at the night sky from her room. DeVera enters*
DeVera: You ready to go? We’re all waiting by the armory.
Graff: *sighs* yeah. Let me just change.
*The camera shifts to DeVera, who raises an arm to cover her eyes from a bright flash. Graff levitates in the air a few inches, spinning in place, completing a full Sailor Moon transformation from jeans and a t-shirt to a military uniform complete with a ridiculous amount of ribbons and medals*
DeVera: I can’t wait until I’m a protagonist.
*An alarm sounds in the background*
Electronic woman’s voice overhead: Warning! Warning! Feline general has breached the perimeter. Kitler has been spotted along with twenty kitten assassins. They’re Siamese!
*Camera shifts to between the two women facing the door outside Graff’s room, where a stream of armed soldiers are racing past the open doorway. DeVera and Graff join in. The group lines up behind a small stone wall. Everyone opens fire*
*Camera focuses on Kitler. There’s automatic gunfire noises in the background, but nothing else. Kittens surround him. He looks behind him on one side, then the other*
Graff: FOR AMERISTRALIA!!!!
*The rest of the group joins in the rally. Everyone is firing assault rifles. One even has a bazooka*
*Camera returns to Kitler, who is running towards the camera. Gunfire still booms overhead, but none of it shows up on screen. Kitler reaches the camera and boops the lens*
Female Camera operator: *whispering* OMG, you’re so cute I’m going to die *the camera operator’s fingers enter upper stage left and scratch Kitler behind the ears. Kitler purrs*
Director: *Also whispering* Don’t pet Kitler! He’s the enemy *A hand enters stage right and shoos Kitler back into the battle*
DeVera: This isn’t working. *She drops her coat and jumps the small stone wall. On each hip in holsters are spray bottles of catnip. Holding each one on its side in the internationally recognized symbol of the gangsta kill-shot (Scene pauses with an asterisk showing the recognized symbol), DeVera proceeds to spray all feline-kind who stand before her, screaming and roaring with the fervor and warrior spirit of her ancestors)
Graff: *softly at first* It’s working. *Now louder* It’s working!
*Slow motion scene focused on DeVera moving from stage right to stage left with gunfire overlaid with each spray from the bottles*
*Camera moves to slow motion of the kittens tumbling and rolling on the ground as the effects of the catnip spray take hold*
Kitler *Very fake cat meow* (Subtitle: NOO! My warriors, we must move forward!)
*The catnip slowly begins affecting Kitler. His paw steps falter, then he rolls onto his back, batting at the sky. Graff runs out from behind the wall with a cardboard box and scoops Kitler into it*
Graff: WE’VE WON! *She holds the box above her head. Faint, stoned growling can be heard from within the box. The soldiers behind the wall cheer*
Narrator: Is this the victory they’ve been looking for? Does humanity have a handhold on regaining their home? These questions, and more, will be asked and might even be answered in the exciting next episode of Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space: I Know Who Spayed Me
*Theremin music plays in the background. A plastic UFO dangling on a visible string fades into view*
Narrator: Our enemies came like a shadow in the night. From distant worlds they crept in until they had sunk their claws into every house in the world. Join us now, won’t you, as we plumb the annals *snort of laughter* of time to bring these, the stories of the survivors, to light, lest we forget, and are doomed to the slavery of history, and our terrifying mortal enemies
*The UFO clunks onto a globe of the Earth, and the two items rise up and exit the screen. The scene washes from left to right and the new scene shows two people traveling by motorcycle, Graff Wife and Fred. The two ride through a forested area by the light of the rising sun*
Graff Wife: Are you sure the place we’re going is safe?
Fred: *Nods* I’m sure, Graff Wife. At any rate, I’ve hand-selected this crew, and they know the reality of the threat
Graff Wife: You can just call me Graff. The other Graff character died in episode one, and I don’t think anyone’s got the time to be calling me ‘Graff Widow’. It gets depressing
Fred: We should be at the safe place soon. I just need to get in touch with my communications expert
*The two veer off the forested area into a parking lot with a sign for a state park. The two pull up to a Volkswagon Vanagon, complete with lavender and yellow flowers painted on the sides. One headlight is broken, and several long antennas cover the top of the van. Fred gets off of the bike and approaches it, knocks three times, then two times, then three times*
Voice from inside the van: What’s the password?
Fred: I’m not meowing, that should be enough for you
*The van door slides open and an older, portly gentleman with large glasses and an old fashioned headset with microphone pokes his head out*
Communications Expert: Fred! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. You made it! *Clasps Fred enthusiastically by the hand*
Fred: Only just. And I’ve got a fellow survivor with me. *whispers* She’s the wife of Victim Zero
Comm. Expert: Oh, oh my. That’s unfortunate. Well, I’m Jimmy, but everyone here calls me Radio
*The conversation muffles to unintelligence as the camera backs away and lowers to the ground as it moves back. The runner on a vehicle is just visible at the top of the screen. Two paws appear at the bottom*
Owner of the two paws: Purr (subtitle: At last, we have their walky talky person. At last, I have something to report to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI)
*The two paws disappear from view and the camera drifts back to the three humans, still in conversation*
Fred: … Well, at any rate, that’s when I learned that ATV doesn’t actually mean all terrain.
*Graff looks confused from Fred to Radio, who are both laughing*
Radio: Listen, I’ll send word to our safe house. You both look like you need sleep and a decent meal.
Fred: I appreciate it. I also need to get some new foil on my head. This piece is just about shot *tips his hat to Radio, and he and Graff both return to the motorcycle and drive off*
Radio: Anti-claws, Anti-claws, come in Anti-claws. This is Red Zebra, over.
*Radio’s communication becomes blurred and the scene washes out to the face of a very furry, very majestic cat. He sits atop a desk in a very presidential, kind of Oval-shaped Office, facing a person tied up in the chair*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Now Mrs. President, my spies tell me that you and your pathetic country are still trying to resist us.)
Mrs. President: Look, I really don’t know why you decided to gang up on me, but we’ve always been kind to cats. There’ve be a lot that lived here in the Whi-”
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Silence! Your negotiations mean nothing to me. Never will we forget the plight of Overlord Arkomemnon, the one you called… Slippers)
Mrs. President: Yeah, I totally didn’t get that
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Why haven’t you been reading the subtitles? I swear to squeaky toys you humans never pay attention) *Points at the bottom of the screen*
Mrs. President: There’s nothing there.
*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws looks at the bottom of the screen*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (subtitle: Dang, you missed it) *Looks at camera* Meow! (Subtitle: Mortal! Rewind the subtitles)
*The subtitles flash through in reverse order*
(Subtitle: At last, we have their walky talky person. At last, I have something to report to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI)
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Mrrow? (Subtitle: Too far. Oh, wait, pause there)
*Both Mrs. President and Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws read the subtitle*
Mrs. President: Are there really six cats named Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws?
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow! (Subtitle: Silence! I shall deal with you later)
*Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws jumps off the table and exits the room. Outside the office door he meets Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitles: Oh, stand up. There’s no need to grovel)
Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Meow (Subtitle: Uh, Purrmaster, I am standing)
*the camera pans down to the cat’s legs. Kormelion is a munchkin, Herman isn’t*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (Subtitle: Right. Sorry. You have a report for me.)
Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Meow (subtitle: Yes, Purrmaster. We have located their walky talky human. He’s hiding in the parking lot of the state park. The password is to knock three times, twice, then three times again.)
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Purr (subtitle: Excellent work, Shredder of Couches. I shall see to it that you have an extra coat to shed on. It’s waiting for you in this office.)
*The door to the office opens*
Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches: Mrrow! (subtitle: ooh, it’s even attached to the human. I love those)
* Special Agent Kormelion, Shredder of Couches enters the office. The camera focuses on his shadow. When it disappears, Mrs. President screams. Angry chords on the French horns blare and the scene melts away*
*Scene rises on the inside of the van, where Radio sits in front of a lot of electronic equipment with his face glued to an old TV screen which displays the days news*
Female Reporter: reports from all over the world are coming in, leading officials to believe that the cat attacks are not simply a stunt by PETA, but an organized attack from these felines. *turns off camera* Do I really have to read this?
Female reporter: Fine, fine! Our new glorious masters wish to inform us that any person caught out in the wild without a collar will be locked in a former Humane Society. This after police reported hearing shouting from a Los Angeles Humane Society and discovered that the person locked inside was none other than Bob Barker. And now to Urabraxis the Limitless One for the weather.
Urabraxis the Limitless One appears on the TV screen: Meow
*The screen jumps back to Female Reporter*
Female Reporter: Thank you, Urabraxis the Limitless One
*Knocking outside the van snaps Radio from watching the news. Three knocks sound, then two, then three knocks. Radio slides his office chair from the table he’s working at and opens the sliding door. A munchkin cat jumps in, followed by another and another and another. Last inside the van is Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow! (Subtitle: Tremble in fear, mortal!)
*Radio screams, and the munchkin cats approach Radio. Scene cuts to the outside of the van, where Radio’s screams can still be heard. A splatter of ketchup splashes across the window. One hand covered in ketchup thumps against the window and slowly drags down. A lonely, empty dial tone comes in on the radio*
Fred’s Voice: Red Zebra, Red Zebra! This is Safe Zone 1. What’s going on? What’s going-”
*Scene cuts to the floor of the van with the antique headset in the center. Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws approaches the mic*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow (subtitle: Safe Zone 1. This is Old Scratch. Over)
*scene cuts to Fred in a brick room seated at a card table with a radio. Graff is behind him with her hands over her mouth and a look of shock on her face. Fred is frozen with fear*
Graff: Is he… Is Radio gone?
Fred: … I’m not sure. I’ll find out. *Clears throat* Me-ow? (subtitle: candy shoelace fork on rye
*scene returns to Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws, who cocks his head back*
Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws: Meow. (subtitle: da heck? Dat cracka’ gone cray-cray) Hiss
*Scene cuts to Fred and Graff*
Graff: What does that mean? What’s happening?
*Fred sets down the microphone and looks up at Graff*
Fred: I don’t know, but it’s not good
*Angry clarinets sound in the background*
Narrator: Does this spell destruction for the world as we know it? Have we met our new master in Purrmaster Herman Von Floofypaws the VI? Is the remainder of the free people stuck in the safe house? Tune in Next time for Episode V: The Sacrifice at PETA
*Theremin music plays in the background*
Narrator: If you are watching this, then you are a survivor. The lethal assassins from outer space haven’t reached you. Yet. But, they’re already here,
*scene fades from black to a globe being held up to the camera.*
Narrator: building up their forces, building up their influences, building up to the day when they will unleash horror upon the earth without measure. The unstoppable power of these extraterrestrial enemies has already been seen, and the terror…
*globe moves closer to the camera to simulate zooming in. The part of the globe labeled Alaska bumps into the camera*
Narrator: is real.
*Sunburst transition to the front façade of a small mayor’s office in the city of Talkeetna. Graff Wife looks up the wooden stairs to the front doors*
Graff Wife: Well, this may be my last effort to convince people that there’s anything going on. *She walks up the steps and into the receptionist’s office.* I’m here to see the mayor.
*The receptionist looks up from her desk, confused. She is wearing horn-rimmed glasses, a gray sweater, and has her hair pulled back in a bun. She looks to be working on a crossword puzzle* Excuse me?
Graff Wife: I need to speak with the mayor. It’s vitally important that you let me in to see him.
Receptionist: I’m sorry. Now isn’t a good time.
Graff Wife: It’s only going to get worse unless I can speak with the mayor. Please.
*The receptionist bit her lower lip*
Receptionist: Fine. He’s just down that hall. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. He doesn’t like to be disturbed
Graff Wife: I wish I was only here to disturb him.
*Graff Wife walks stage left as indicated. The camera pans down to ankle level and follows Graff Wife’s feet. It pauses at the receptionist’s feet, where a large manacle made from Styrofoam and duct tape secures her to the desk. Descending minor chords by French horns in the background*
*Scene wipes right to left to Graff Wife approaching a large wooden door labeled Mayor in a gold nameplate. She takes a deep breath, places her hand on her chest, and knocks on the door with the other hand*
*No noise comes from the office*
*Graff Wife knocks again*
*Again, not a sound is heard from beyond the door*
Graff Wife: Mr. Mayor? Are you there? *She waits a moment* My name is Graff Wife, and I’m here with an urgent message.
*Not a peep comes from beyond the door*
Graff Wife: Please, you have to let me in. There have been attacks. People have been getting hurt. I don’t know what’s behind all this, but every time there are cats at the scene. You have to believe me!
*The door opens a crack, creaking loudly. Evil tuba sounds. Graff Wife enters the office. Behind a wooden desk, a tall office chair is turned around, facing out to the cold Alaska weather. Graff Wife approaches the desk*
Graff Wife: I know it sounds crazy. I’ve been traveling the country trying to convince people, and no one has given me the time of day.
*The chair doesn’t move*
Graff Wife: Cats have been showing up more and more. It’s like all of the shelters opened their doors and just let the cats out. And they’re everywhere anything has been happening. Every murder, every robbery, every home invasion and assassination attempt has had cats involved somehow.
Mayor Stubbs: Meow (Subtitle: I know)
*The office chair turns to see Mayor Stubbs lounging in the chair, stretched out but looking at her. Graff Wife screams with her hands around her mouth*
Mayor Stubbs: Mrrrow (Subtitle: Not so loud. It disturbs the receptionist pet)
*Graff Wife screams again*
Mayor Stubbs: Meow! (Subtitle: I said be quiet) *He paws the air in front of him*
*After a third scream, Graff Wife turns and flees the office. Mayor Stubbs leaps off the chair, across the desk, and chases after her*
Mayor Stubbs: Yowl! (Subtitle: Get her. She knows too much!)
*The receptionist rises from her desk and dramatically grabs Graff Wife by the upper arms. Graff Wife fake struggles for a second before admitting defeat*
*Mayor Stubbs catches up, and boops the receptionist’s ankle*
Mayor Stubbs: Purr (Subtitle: Well done, My Pet. Take her to the dungeon)
*Graff Wife struggles faintly while the receptionist takes her down the hall, dragging the broken Styrofoam chain behind her*
*Scene cuts to a room with a barred wall dividing it in half. Graff Wife is curled in the stage left corner of the cell. There is one window in the upper middle of the room that shines through the bars and across to the door*
Graff Wife: I’ve lost everything. Now the entire human race is doomed
*The prison door opens and Mayor Stubbs steps in*
Mayor Stubbs: Meow (Subtitle: You’re right about one thing. The human race is doomed)
*Graff Wife screams*
Mayor Stubbs: *Judgy glare* (Subtitle: Humans are loud)
Female cat: Mrrow (Subtitle: They usually are)
Mayor Stubbs: *turns to face female cat* Mrrow? (Subtitle: Queen Fluffybutt! I didn’t expect you to be joining us)
Queen Fluffybutt: Mrrow (Subtitle: Well, when a prisoner voluntarily walks into our domain, I take an interest. Well done)
Mayor Stubbs: Purr (Subtitle: Thank you, my queen)
*Queen Fluffybutt steps right up to the bars of the cage. She cocks her head to one side and watches Graff Wife*
Queen Fluffybutt: Meow (Subtitle: How much does she know?)
Mayor Stubbs: Meow (Subtitle: That’s the funny part. She came in and announced it all. She didn’t even bother to see who was in the chair.)
Queen Fluffybutt: Meow (Subtitle: Typical. We’ll make her wait here for a little. Then, send in the Scottish tormentors.)
*Mayor Stubbs nods, and the two cats exit the cell*
*The camera pans back to Graff Wife, who is watching the cats with confusion*
Graff Wife: What did I just see? *Screams out of reflex. Turns to face the camera* Yes, it’s necessary. It’s in the handbook *she holds up a book with the title: Damsels in Distress 101*
*Clock-hand transition effect. The sun has gone down, casting a faintly darker light across the cell. But, you know, still plainly visible, just kind of bluer, really. It signifies nighttime. Graff Wife sleeps curled in a corner*
*The door to the cell opens with an ominous creak. Graff Wife startles awake. Four shadows stretch from the doorway to the bars of the cage. All four Scottish Tormentors purr. Graff Wife gasps dramatically*
*The Scottish Tormentors step up to the bars of the cage and between them. All four begin climbing Graff Wife.*
Voice from Offstage: Not today, you adorable miscreants!
*A grappling hook is hooked through the bars of the window. A motorcycle revs in the background, and the hooked window breaks free, taking some of the wall with it, revealing the wall to be painted foam*
*Fred jumps through the newly created door. There are scratches on his face and one perfectly placed on his upper lip. He wields two spray-painted Nerf guns, one in each hand*
Fred: Well, at any rate, come with me if living’s your thing.
*Three of the Scottish Tormentors hiss. The other one meows. Fred jams each of the Nerf guns into a holster at his waist and pulls a white spray bottle from his pocket. The camera cuts to a close-up of the bottle, which reads “Scratch-Off Cat Training Spray”*
*Camera cuts to Fred, who dons an origami-folded foil hat and sprays Graff Wife with the spray. The Scottish Tormentors flee back through the bars and Fred offers his hand to Graff Wife*
*Scene cuts to Fred and Graff Wife… Well, Graff Widow, technically… on the back of a small dirt bike riding towards a cityscape in the background*
Graff Widow: Where are we going?
Fred: *Puts on big aviator sunglasses* The one place we’ll be safe
Narrator: Where are they heading? Is it really a safe place? Is this the last we’ll see of the Scottish Tormentors? Tune in next time for Rise of the Death Cat Kitten Mob from Outer Space IV: The Munchkins Prowl at Midnight
*Scene fades to black*
We now are homeowners, so the big question is….
What can we do here that we can’t really do while we were renting?
We have our cats, but I wanted to get something that would provide into our home, rather than simply being a companion.
We looked at chickens, but it takes about 4 square feet per bird, and my parents hasn’t had much luck coming them.
So I stumbled upon quail. They take up Less space and are considered a good starting bird of you’re beginning a hobby farm or want to get into homesteading.
We did our research and made plans. On my next three day weekend from work we visited a farm and they happily sold us a dozen chicks.
Quail chicks are TINY! I knew they wouldn’t get very big, but just holding them made me realize how fragile life is.
So, in about six weeks we should start seeing eggs and having to trim out the excessive roosters, but for now holding these tiny birds makes me feel like I’m building the kind of home I want to raise my family in.
*Scene fades in on Graff wife, sobbing and sitting in Police Department office. Rosario sits opposite her behind a desk*
Narrator: Where we last left our hero, he had been viciously dismembered by a mob of elite assassins from outer space. No one saw the attackers except for the victim. All Graff Wife found was the remains of her husband, and a collection of kittens.
Rosario: *Leaning on one elbow propped on the desk in front of him* So, let me get this straight. You had banished your husband to the couch for threatening to keep an abandoned kitten,
Graff Wife: *Sobs into a handkerchief and nods* In a bow tie, yes.
Rosario: Then, in the unknown hour of the night, you awoke to screaming. You came out of the room and found…?
Graff Wife: My husband. His skeleton had been picked clean. And there were… kittens. All these kittens *Sobs*
Rosario: *Nodding* Right, here’s where I’m having a problem. Kittens don’t kill people. No matter how many you pile into a room, the most damage they could possibly cause is through static electricity. Probably. Had you and your husband been fighting previous to this night?
Graff Wife: *shakes her head* No, we had the model relationship. High school sweethearts, dated through college, married at a reasonable ceremony by a minister of a faith. We had just paid off a modest student loan and were thinking about starting a family.
Rosario: *tapping his pen on his desk* Look, tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to put out a missing persons call to our officers. We’ll keep our eyes peeled for your husband. In the mean time, you can bring in this skeleton you’ve got hiding in your closet and our forensics guy can take a look for some kind of evidence of kitten mauling.
Graff Wife: *Standing and slamming her palms flat on the desk* The skeleton isn’t in my closet. He’s not gay.
Rosario: That’s what they all say. *Rosario stands and adjusts his tie* Well, we’ll keep in contact *extends hand*
*Graff Wife refuses to shake Rosario’s hand. She stands and marches out of the office.*
*Fred is waiting outside the office door. He’s wearing military-style boots with blue jeans tucked into them. Underneath a red baseball cap can be seen the glint of foil*
Fred: *whispering* I believe you. I’ve got a CB radio I use to listen in on animal control. There have been too many reports of stray cats and people being attacks by strays.
Graff Wife: You believe me? You really believe me?
Fred: *nodding* I do. Meet me at the retro diner that people visit just enough to keep in business tonight. Well, at any rate, you should probably also go to the store and buy up all of the peppermint spray and cat training spray you can get your hands on. At this point, you can’t be too careful.
*Graff Wife watches Fred leave*
*Rosario steps out of his office*
Rosario: Was that guy bothering you?
Graff Wife: No. No, he wasn’t.
Rosario: Good. He’s been coming around here trying to tell us that something from outer space has landed. Can’t tell you how many reports I’ve pretended to write just to get him out of here.
*The camera pans from Graff Wife and Rosario to the doors stage right just as Fred pushes open the doors. The scene washes stage left with the Powerpoint Ripple effect*
*Street lamps illuminate circles along the sidewalk. An un-named victim is walking along, wearing a business suit, red power tie, and leather shoes. He checks his watch. When he looks up from his watch, he sees Adorable Kitten sitting two steps in front of him stage left*
Adorable Kitten: Meow (Subtitle: Your angel of death awaits)
Un-named victim: *Kneeling to pet the kitten* Well, hello there, Precious. What are you doing out here on a night like this?
Adorable Kitten: Meow (Subtitle: Homicide)
Un-named victim: Oh, I know.
Adorable Kitten: *eyes widen* Rroaw? (Subtitle: How do you know?)
*Un-named victim reaches to pick up Adorable Kitten. Adorable Kitten jumps out of his reach and rounds the corner to an alleyway*
Un-named victim: Hey, wait! *He chases after Adorable Kitten*
*The camera follows Un-named Victim around the corner. Over Un-named Victim’s shoulder, Adorable Kitten can be seen in the distance, standing at stage rear of a streetlight’s halo. Only his head and front paws can be scene*
Un-named victim: There you are. I’m going to take you some place safe *He steps toward Adorable Kitten*
Adorable Kitten: Grrr (Subtitle: You came to the wrong neighborhood, son)
*From behind Adorable Kitten, several more kittens step into the circle of light. A cello and bass bow several low, menacing notes*
*Un-named Victim steps back. A hiss stops him from taking a second step. He turns to see a line of cats blocking his way, including Hitler Cat in the middle of the line. He screams*
Hitler Cat: Meow (Subtitles: Proceed)
*Cat arm props with claws extended swipe out from stage left and stage right, batting against Un-named Victim. He falls back, landing on his behind. The camera cuts to Un-named Victim with his arms in front of him as three and four pairs of cat arm props swipe at him. Scene cuts to him laying on his stomach. Kittens climb on him and he continues screaming. Fake blood streaks his face, arms, and back. His suit is covered in slashes.*
*All at once, the mob of kittens stop and clean themselves. Adorable Kitten is two paw lengths from Un-named Victim’s head and licking a paw and wiping it over her face.*
*Un-named Victim stops screaming looks around him as best he can without disturbing the kittens that have climbed on him*
Unnamed Victim: What? Are you serious? Right in the middle of this?
Adorable Kitten: *Pauses mid-lick* Meow. (Subtitle: Silence, mortal!)
*Camera cuts to Adorable Kitten. The edge of a feather toy is barely visible stage left. Adorable Kitten bats at it, and the camera cuts to black right as the strike hits the camera. Un-named Victim screams one more time*
*Scene rises from below. Enter Diner. Camera pans to the door stage right. Graff Wife enters the diner stage left, the bell over the door jingles, and the camera follows behind her shoulder. Fred is seated at the diner bar, staring into a cup of coffee. Graff Wife approaches him and sits next to him, motioning for a drink*
Graff Wife: I’m here
Fred: *Without looking up from his coffee* You know cats were worshipped 3000 years ago? Back in Ancient Egypt they were seen as Gods. At any rate, I don’t think they’ve forgotten that. Might be what’s gotten us in this current predicament.
*The short order cook behind the counter sets a coaster and a tall glass of Red Pop in front of Graff Wife*
Graff Wife: Just keep them coming. *Turns to look at Fred* How sure are you?
Fred: Sure enough that I’ve got three gallons of cat training spray in my pickup and I’ve been littering my neighbors’ houses with catnip for months. At any rate, what are we going to do about exposing the truth on a global scale before we’re all turned into screaming scratching posts?
Graff Wife: What can we even do? I just got dismissed by the police, trying to get on the news won’t help.
Fred: How about the radio? Everyone still trusts the radio.
Graff Wife: Yeah, like that hasn’t failed in the past. Nothing on the radio has ever caused the reaction we’re looking for.
Fred: *Smiles* Then I guess we’re bunkering down until this blows over.
Graff Wife: Becoming a shut-in because of too many cats. Just what I need.
Fred: I mean literally. I’ve got a bunker in an undisclosed location that I’ve been stocking for just such an occasion. You’re welcome to join me, at any rate.
Graff Wife: *Leans away* I don’t think we need to get that drastic yet. I’m just going to go back home, lock the cats out, and hope this blows over.
*Graff Wife gets up, places a few dollars on the counter, then leaves. The camera stays on Fred.
Fred: Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
*After a brief period of time, Fred stands, pays for his coffee, and exits the diner. The camera follows him, panning down to his boots. Outside by his truck sits Sharp on Five Ends, watching him. Fred pauses*
Fred: So, it’s come to this.
*Fred widens his stance, and the camera cuts to between his legs where Sharp on Five Ends can be seen. Cheap Western showdown music comes in on the background, complete with the sound of someone clicking on a stereo. A tumbleweed is pushed through stage right.*
Sharp on Five Ends: Meow (Subtitles: We meet again, Mittens)
Fred: I’ve been waiting for this day for so long.
*Cut to Fred’s left hip, where his hand hovers over a gun holster. His fingers curl and uncurl, releasing a popping sound*
*Cut to Sharp on Five Ends, who leaps from stage left to stage right and exits the screen. Cut to a Fred, who is facing the camera. He draws his weapon and fires very obvious pop caps as the camera pans closer to him.*
*The screen cuts to black. Fred Screams*
*Fred’s red baseball rolls into view. The aluminum foil is torn and cut*
Narrator: Did Fred survive? What is Graff Wife going to do? Can anyone stop Adorable Kitten’s reign of terror? Will we be able to stop this cute invasion? Tune in next time for episode III: One Nation Under Queen FluffyButt